I want to literally understand

I’m a recently-diagnosed Autistic woman who is realizing I really just don’t have a great perspective on how other people think. I recently discovered my husband is an addict with a cocaine and alcohol problem. He lied to me throughout the entirety of our relationship and marriage, always giving me the image of 100% honesty.

We are best friends and (I thought) we knew each other better than anybody. We have always had really clear and direct communication, I always appreciate honesty and have never met him with judgement or ego. I get people are human and complex and make mistakes. But knowing that and loving me for it, he still lied to my face and cheated on me, even to the point of having unprotected sex with strangers and not even thinking to get tested or anything after. He works out of town and I had the illusion we had a secure relationship, so he used the distance and my non-suspicious nature to facilitate drinking and “occasional” cocaine use (that consistently put our relationship and me at risk).

I discovered his addiction by accident and had to drag truths out of him one by one. I hated that - he couldn’t just be honest with me, even at the end. I had to force him to see it and I will always fear he is lying. I am hyper self aware and have had a lot of trauma so my therapy skills help me really manage my emotions and understand my feelings - I do love him and understand addiction to a physiological and psychological degree. I want to let him show me who he is (with sobriety, therapy, change, honesty) before I make decisions about our marriage.

But I am afraid because point blank, I don’t understand. I’ve been blackout drunk and high when I was younger (I experimented/not proud, I don’t have an addictive personality, I know my brain is different because some substances like cocaine don’t even work for me). But I don’t understand how someone who loves me and showed up for me in literally every other aspect of life could just “forget” I exist. Treat me like that. And then keep doing it.

He says he hid it because he didn’t want to lose me. I know he does love me. But please someone help me understand his point of view or the point of view of addiction because I need to understand it to move on. Things are too fresh for him to understand it himself so I’m hoping someone here can, I’m breaking down inside from the cognitive dissonance and it’s so painful.