I (37 mtf) am struggling with desires to detransition to revive my sex life.

(CW: transmisogyny, I am probably the asshole, and a lot of mental anguish)

I am a lesbian trans woman top, but i am seemingly different from most trans girls i know in a really frustrating way.

Certain features of a cis woman’s body that are surgically or otherwise impossible for me (such as self-lubrication) are some of my biggest pain points of my transition. This even causes me to shy away from getting SRS; because i would have no way of comparing outcomes before committing, and am worried being consistently dry with a vagina would be more dyspohoric than not having a vagina at all.

Seeing those same shortfalls in another trans woman still triggers dysphoria in me, especially during intimacy, and it can really get in the way both mentally and physically. (However I never verbalize this to someone i’m being intimate with, nor do i let on that’s what i’m thinking; that would only serve to hurt the other trans woman and not solve anything. It’s not her fault, and she can’t do anything about it.)

Along with that, and a decade of struggling & failing to replace cis PIV with PIA (or PI-Neovagina), i am beginning to realize that other trans women are not an ideal choice for a partner for me, even though I, on paper, am a lesbian trans woman top and should be a perfect fit.

Not to mention, I don’t want to bring this obvious internalized transmisogyny to them, i’d rather they not be exposed to it.

And, everyone says cis women are chasers if they want PIV from a trans woman, so i don’t really ever see those kinds of people let alone seeing them in queer relationships, even though i think that would be a perfect fit for me.

And apart from cis women, any other people who happen to have self-lubricating genitals just simply aren’t going to be happy with me being attracted to them as a wlw lesbian, calling them a woman, using she/her for them, saying “good girl” etc. So i don’t, and have never attempted to try.

Is this just me fetishizing cis vagina? And/or is this me doing an unhealthy coping mechanism? And/or am i just asexual and only feel like engaging in sex at all if it could bring me closer to the body i wish i had? Or am i overthinking it?

And detransitioning wouldn’t be worth it, i’d just end up trying to find myself in other people again; and I would feel overall worse again even if i found someone to enthusiastically consensually do /what i would rather want now while in a body that finally feels like mine/.

So, the question: How do i stop ruminating over what hormones and surgery cannot accomplish?

It has been almost 15 years since i knew of myself, and over 12 years medically transitioning. Was i on the right path to dropping desire of PIV with cis women? and i should just stick with trying to be content with what other women actually have to offer? I thought that was the way and have been quietly doing so, but i’m beginning to doubt.

Questions i assume you will have:

-“How could having a dick be less dysphoric than having a neovagina??” I am a “grower not a show-er” and have essentially no length when soft, AND have gotten rid of my balls. I am all but flat down there normally, and i don’t even know if i have enough material to do a successful SRS, let alone magically having a cis vagina

-“You’re a cis man / you should detransition” I know i am NOT just a confused cis man who should detransition; transition has been the best thing to ever happen to me, even after losing basically all friends and family. And remember, i willingly and enthusiastically got rid of my balls, not something a cis man would do.