Conned by a narc?

Hi, So I have this I guess you would call it an “ex” but I will use his initial L when talking about him. We never officially broke up so I use the term Ex begrudgingly. I was in a 5 year abusive relationship previously before I got with L and honestly that relationship overlapped with this one. It is not something that I feel I have to apologize for or feel bad for because of how abusive my last relationship was and I feel no guilt whatsoever for it. Anyway, L & I bonded over both being with abusive partners from different cultures. Both of our partners were Arabic and we are both white. Of course I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with Arabs, but there are big cultural differences & traumas that we bonded over. L & I both met online so our relationship has been long distance for 2 years now. The way that we connected was crazy. Honestly, sometimes it felt like we were the same person. It was that type of connection where you thought the same things you said the same thing at the same time, finishing each other sentences… like telepathy. I have never experienced it with another person to this level. L is 16 years older than me and from Sweden. I’m from the US. I left my partner because I wanted to pursue a relationship with L, and I thought that when I left my partner that he would also leave his, but that did not happen. I went through absolute hell trying to leave my partner to pursue a relationship with L. It got so abusive I nearly lost my life but I fell in love with L and I wanted to be with him and just him. I guess it was a little naïve on my part, but I truly felt something so strong with him and I thought that it was going to work out. This was in 2023. He pressured me to leave my ex because he wanted me to himself. So I thought that his plan was to leave his partner if I left mine. Even though we were so connected and we had a lot of feelings for each other and we were very close we never made it official. That was not my choice, he always tried to make it casual while still treating me like he had so many feelings for me. I thought it was leading up to something serious and I thought that when we broke up with our partners that would happen, but I broke up with my partner, and he never broke up with his. He’s been telling me for years now that he’s on the verge of divorce. He keeps blaming the kids or the lack of buyers for the house as his reason for not filing for divorce. But yet it has not happened. I know that he’s telling me somewhat of the truth because he’s been talking about a divorce since before him and I were even a couple. Before there was anything between us and we were just friends he was telling me the same problems and I know he also tells these problems to other people. His wife hits him and has a very bad temperament. Very emotionally manipulative, isolating him from his family, fighting with his family and poisoning the kids against the family and him at times, etc. But yet he seems to be addicted to this toxicity or something. I’m sure he’s not completely innocent, especially now that I have seen his evil side and just how cold and uncaring he can be. The more I have gotten to know him the more I have realized how ill he is mentally. I am pretty sure he has either borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder that’s really out of control. He also thinks he has something. He’s a very big guy and can get quite violent. He has told me on numerous occasions that he picks random fights with men on the streets and even broke a random guy’s nose once. He does MMA fighting for sport and he’s constantly training in the gym. Bodybuilder type. He even told me before that he enjoys hurting people. Even with all these negative things, he does have his good qualities, and I have never felt like he would hurt me physically… I’m learning now emotionally that’s a different story. I guess I also have a thing for toxicity because I just cannot shake him. Anyway, in December of last year 2024 I was doe eyed and giggly over him… I thought everything was fine. I thought we were both happy… then he abruptly started snapping at me one day and acting like I was doing something wrong and then out of nowhere he ghosted me. His anger came out of nowhere. He seemed dead set on treating me like I was a criminal who was irritating him. I was used to him going quiet for like a week and only hearing from him once a week at times. Honestly, I became conditioned to this throughout the relationship since he usually only talked to me on Fridays and Saturdays and only a message here or there throughout the week. I blamed it on his work because he did work a lot or so he said. After I was ghosted this last December I cried for months and months, and I was constantly sending him messages, & calls begging him for even a sign that he was alive and I know he saw it all, and he said nothing. I was a mess and sick over it. Completely heartbroken. I lost over 30 pounds in that time and got very sick. At any point he could have written one word but he never did. After months of suffering my friend started to try to get a reply from him & he finally replied to my friend once and played dumb saying that it was no longer his number. It was like a joke. Like he was messing around. Sometimes the way that he messes around when someone is suffering it reminds me of how a cat plays with its food before it kills it. I did not hear from him again until April 15th 2025. The only reason why I heard from him was because I had contacted his entire family and his wife’s entire family and his wife. At that point, I was convinced that I was used and tossed the side like trash so I told everyone everything and I sang like a canary. Once I became convinced that I was lied to and used I was then convinced that he must’ve been living a double life and lying to his wife as well so I made sure to tell her also so that she could make her own decision with her life and not waste it on a Shiesty person. I also reached his mother… I found her phone number & I was contacting her to tell her about her Shiesty son so he finally called me that day because as he put it his mother “is mentally ill and asking him all sorts of questions now and she’s convinced that someone is stalking the family” so he talked to me for 7 hours on the phone and told me how special I was and how much he cared about me and how important I am to him and how much he missed me and said his life is hell and all he does is focus on his work, and that he has all sorts of problems in his life. He even said he wanted to talk to me every day again and was pushing for it. He cried on the phone twice. The first time he cried I felt like he was faking to try and find an excuse to get off the phone. He got off the phone and he called me back. Like I said we were talking on the phone and video chatting for around 7 hours. 90% felt very genuine. At one point, we ended up getting intimate on video call. After he was finished the call disconnected without us even saying good night or anything. I wondered at the time if that was on purpose as there are ways to do that and make it look like your phone just disconnected. But then again he was in a hotel room and there was bad service apparently. Anyway, after that we didn’t really talk it was just a sentence here or there for a couple of months. The last contact I had with him he tried to call me again, but I did not see the call and he had written me a couple paragraphs telling me how amazing and wonderful I am and thanking me for all the years of care and love and all the laughs that I gave him. Told me I was a wonderful person and that I deserve the best and he wishes me well. It was literally a repeat verbatim one of the messages I received from him shortly before he ghosted me the first time for months. In the next sentence, he called me a snake so I wasn’t sure how he felt about me if he was angry or if he actually felt loving towards me. Very odd. It’s like it’s a script. I replied, and ask if I could call him in an hour since I wasn’t alone & I did not receive a reply. A couple weeks later I wrote to him and he wrote back abruptly, snapping at me telling me that he wanted to be alone and that he wanted to be underground alone… keep in mind in the past couple months. I was trying to keep him updated here and there. Not too much, but for example, if there was something going on with me medically, I would let him know briefly and just let him know I was thinking of him and still here. Maybe a short paragraph every couple weeks. Nothing major. He never even checked on me about this or wished me well with my health or anything. No concern no nothing. When he would reply to me, it was an excuse as to why he wasn’t talking. Anyway, after he snapped at me and told me he wanted to be alone I wrote something sweet and he never replied again. I figured I would give him time and that it would be OK and then a month later this 2nd of July I was missing him so I texted him on whatsapp telling him I miss him. Few days went by and there was no check marks. This was not uncommon because he had his WhatsApp pretty much under lock & key so he never received any notifications and I know he didn’t login all that often. Maybe just every few days. After a few days of waiting I decided to just text his phone to let him know I was thinking of him and that I missed him and I realized then that he blocked my phone number. This is the 2nd time he has done this. We both have iPhones and now it was coming up as SMS instead of imessage and there was no delivery notifications. I knew but I said to myself “maybe he got a new phone and maybe it’s an android or something” so I called it and it went to “caller busy” which definitely means that I have been blocked. Now keep in mind I hadn’t texted him on his actual phone since May 9th and we had talked on WhatsApp after that… so he either blocked me then because he was hiding the notifications or he wants to cut contact and he did it without warning again. I don’t know what to think and I don’t know what I should do. I did text his mother again and I was very upset telling her what her son has done again and how he lied to me and used me. I just can’t get over this. I really can’t because I can’t get over the fact that he came to me after months of seeing me suffering and apologized to me and said he would never do it again and he told me how much he cared about me and he’s done the exact same thing all over again, knowing how it was going to hurt me… I offered to break up time and time again amicably. I said we could be friends. I did this before even December when he was acting weird at times. He always said he didn’t want to. Here and there he would say something like he felt that I deserved more or like he felt he couldn’t give me the time I deserved but he always said he wanted me… now I don’t know. Any time I tried to voice any concerns or ask him where our relationship was going because I did not want anything casual from the first time we entered into a relationship he would go completely silent and not talk to me for a week. And I look crazy & he treated me like I was crazy because I contacted everyone he knows since December, but genuinely I had no other way of reaching him or figuring out what was going on. Right before he disappeared he was threatening suicide. I had no way of knowing if he was alive and had no closure if he was. This last time that I contacted his mother was this morning. I let her know how cruel her son is & what he did a 2nd time. But a part of me is still worried about him even though I know he’s not really worrying about me. If he is, he keeps it very hidden. So what should I think and what should I do? It really hurts so much. I have never felt so bad in my life. Even my ex who was abusive and made me fear for my life did not make me feel this bad. Well, I guess he did but in a different way. No one ever made me feel this discarded and worthless in my life after making me feel like I was the most beautiful and loved woman on the face of the Earth. 😖