My experience, how I’m questioning myself, and how can I heal?

Cross Posting this as I’m seeking answers and support so I can start healing in a proper way. I will start this post out by stating that I know I am not an innocent party in any manner as my actions/things I have said were at times not nice or the correct response to a situation. However, many times I felt pushed to a limit and broken down mentally. Also I apologize if flairs are incorrect!

I (26F) met my now ex partner (24M) in September of last year. We worked for the same company/department and started spending time together with friends and quickly became more. This was my first real relationship after losing my previous partner to an impaired driver a couple years prior. At first the relationship was incredible. He would tell me how much he loved me, how obsessed with me he was, how I made him happier than anyone ever had, and how his exes had crushed him and gaslit him consistently. He told me he wanted to move in, help pay rent, and get married. He also wanted us to get matching tattoos, matching clothes, etc. At first he was also extremely possessive where he would leave bite marks and hickeys in spots on my body that others would see. Our jobs were a seasonal thing where he would receive a lot of praise and attention as he played a very important role for the position. When the seasonal spot ended the praise was mostly removed. During the beginning of the relationship I had a family member pass whom I was very close to. My partner insisted on flying home with me to be with me for the service. He was praised by my family and told how amazing he was for being a support system to me, as I live out of state and away from my entire family. As time went on he stopped showing the same affection he once had. When I would question him about it he would state that “he only did it to make me feel happy/because he thought it was what I wanted to hear”. Arguments started and cracks began to form. When we would argue he would never admit he was wrong he would just state that he “didn’t see things the way I did”. When I would try to reason that we could meet in the middle and try to find a happy medium it was met with push back. We had a small friend group that he slowly began to discard as well in favor of others who were more “popular” for lack of a better term. While out in public he would walk extremely fast and always be a couple feet ahead of me. Never walking beside me, and when I would try to hold his hand he would find ways to shake my hand off. Stating that he wasn’t an affectionate person. Which I completely understand that some people dislike PDA and wouldn’t fault them on that. But I also tried to explain that I enjoy holding hands and I wanted to meet in the middle. His response was less than positive in that regard. He would actively speak to others and treat others with so much kindness and warmth while treating myself and our small friend group with a lot of disregard. When I would speak he would constantly speak over me to the point I would just give up on talking. Around this time he began texting again with a girl whom had previously had a crush on him. When I questioned him on it and said it made me uncomfortable he told me that I was suffocating him and that my jealousy was extremely unattractive. I was becoming very jealous and uncomfortable with the amount of attention he seemed to be seeking out but he also wouldn’t listen/try to understand where I was coming from which made it much worse. He consistently said I had to trust him, that it’s sad I didn’t trust him, etc. I also began to find out that he would go eat alone with other girls but instead of going in to the restaurant he would sit alone in his car with her and eat. When I told him that to me this felt like emotional cheating he brushed me off and instead of apologizing told me to stop being overbearing. At one point we purchased a collar and leash for our intimate times. I found out that he had brought it out to show his family, put it on his brother, and had taken pictures while making fun of it with them. After I explained to him that it embarrassed me and made me uncomfortable and that I did not want to use it again he told me I was being a child with my reaction. While I am embarrassed to admit it I did go through his phone on two separate occasions. The first occasion is how I discovered him eating alone with the girl after he had told me he was eating with coworkers. The second time I found messages with another girl where he was talking poorly about me. When I confronted him about it he told me that he “only did it because he knew I would go through his messages again and he knew I’d see it”. Having him come over would be like pulling teeth while he would drop everything to assist friends or to go see them. He was very focused on personal image as well always ensuring his hair and clothing were perfect. As well as checking himself out in the mirror regularly. The final straws came when he went to a party and stopped responding to messages. I personally have anxious attachment and I constantly would ask him for communication as it helped me tremendously. He once again told me I was suffocating him and that, when he was at events such as those, he wasn’t thinking about me at all. That fight led to him not responding to my messages throughout the entire day before we finally decided to take a break in the relationship. During this break he stopped going to work saying he couldn’t “mentally handle it” and that he “wasn’t in the right headspace”. After the break was over he said he didn’t want to be together but wanted to remain friends. I told him no and he told me I was being childish. I said we could take a month to be apart and reevaluate our feelings for one another (romantic, friendship, or otherwise). During this time he immediately began talking to another girl whom had previously liked him and drove over an hour to spend time with her. After that I told him I was done with him all together, and will admit I called him names telling him he was a cheater and I told him to rot in hell. I also called him a narcissist and told him that he needed to look in the mirror and reevaluate how he treats others and the way in which he discards them once he has used them. Numerous times throughout the fight I explained that I knew I had issues but that he also had ones he needed to address. I never recieved an apology or acknowledgement of any kind in response to him needing to reevaluate. He instead told me I never got over the “shitty trauma” of my past partner dying and that is why I act the way I When he didn’t respond to the messages about being narcissistic/showing narcissistic tendencies I followed it up by saying he was awful at being intimate. To which he immediately responded in order to defend himself and call me sad for making such a low blow. Following this exchange he had a girl text me to tell me I belonged in a mental institution and that I was the narcissist, no man would ever want me, etc. I proceeded to block him on all social medias and only left his number unblocked. After a week of ruminating I decided to reach out and offer an apology. It was coming up on the anniversary of my previous partners death and I was reminded how short life can be and to never leave things unsaid/always try to make amends. In his response he told me that he would never want to be friends with someone who would say such “heinous, hurtful, and borderline psychotic remarks” and that if I wanted him to be able to stomach me that I needed to write a detailed apology outlining why what I said about him was incorrect and inappropriate. I’ve spent time reflecting on and talking to people about what transpired. Many suggest I was correct and saying he was displaying narcissistic behaviors. But I wanted other input.

I appreciate anyone who spent the time to read this and who can offer any advice/thoughts. I am open to answer anything as I feel guilty and sad about all of this and honestly just want answers. I’ve spent one too many nights wondering if I was the one in the wrong and if I am, how I can prevent this from happening in the future. I want to heal and move on but I feel overly drawn to try and make amends with him. I feel guilty, torn up, and over all just mentally drained.