I Ate A Lot Of Pal's This Weekend.

I BOUGHT ONE OF EVERY LUNCH ITEM (and cheddar rounds duh) FROM THE PALS MENU AND TIERED AND RANKED THEM ALL

I am a longtime Kingsport resident and, as all of us are, I have very strong feelings towards Pals. I saved up a big of dough, made a few calls, and managed to secure one of EVERYTHING on the mainline lunch menu. These are all from the walk-in location in Downtown Kingsport and, if any of you saw me and my buddies eating and smoking, I am genuinely sorry.

IMPORTANT NOTES

All burgers were ordered and eaten WITH CHEESE. I did not personally eat any of the bacon items, I think it’s gross. The list will be in REVERSE ORDER, starting with F Tier and ascending to S Tier. All items are based on preference and I’ll give my recommended alterations for every item. Without further ado, let’s get to the real shit.

F-TIER, THE REPREHENSIBLE

THE TOASTED CHEESE: I despise this thing. It’s just gross. Nobody should eat this. “What if a grilled cheese had some cold ass, wet vegetables and also the cheese isn’t melted most of the time?” Just weird. Recommended pairing: the trash can. This is literally the only thing in F Tier. It’s THAT BAD.

D-TIER, THE UNDERACHIEVERS

THE CHIPPED HAM: LET ME EXPLAIN. If I’m going out to get fast food, I almost never think “fuck dude I want a ham sandwich.” I can make one of those at home! It feels very oldhead, I don’t feel like anyone under 50 orders these. I recommend dropping the pickles and adding mustard and fry salt.

THE SAUCEBURGER: These were always hyped up to me as a kid, and I can’t say that I really get it. It overwhelmingly tastes of vinegar, and its an experience that reminds me of eating a well-done steak in ketchup. If anybody in the ENTIRE world could tell me what this sauce is, that’d be great. I recommend throwing some Frenchie Fries on this bitch, really adds some complexity to an otherwise boring and one-note flavor.

THE CHILIBUN: I get what they’re doing, and I like it conceptually. I’ve made a few of these bad boys at home with chili I personally made, but that’s the difference. I do not like the “hot dog sauce” style chili all by itself, chili sans carne doesn’t have enough texture variation to be good to me. At home, I personally make french fries, put them on a bun, and top with cheese, and it’s delicious. At Pals, just shove some fries in there and it’s passingly good.

THE BUFFALO CHICKEN THING THEY HAD A FEW MONTHS AGO: This is more of an honorable mention, since it’s not a regular item, but I remember it being fine. I think Pals has a HUGE issue with texture variation in their stuff. It kind of felt like eating mush in a bun. It tasted fine but “mush in a bun” is so unpleasant to me, personally. Recommend slicing up some tomato and putting fries in this, if it ever comes back.

C-TIER, MOSTLY HARMLESS.

THE JUNIOR BURGER: What can you really say about a hamburger? I’m a big person, I like big people food, I will never eat one of these things if I have a choice, but it’s not bad. Nice snack and good to throw in on the side if you’re a glutton like I am. Recommend adding fry salt.

THE BIG CHICKEN: I have a soft spot in my heart for this thing. It’s so strange, a deli meat chicken sandwich on the menu. What a strange world we find ourselves in. The downside is that it’s not very good, though. Deli chicken is often kind of stringy, texture wise, and you’ll occasionally get some REALLY weird fuckin’ bites, but it’s never bad. The tomato doesn’t add anything for me, though, and I do recommend asking VERY POLITELY for some chili. Trust me. If that doesn’t work, though, get onion.

B-TIER, GETTING SOMEWHERE

THE DOUBLE BIG PAL: A hat on a hat. I have to open my jaw SO WIDE to take a bite of this thing, and I’m just not really about that life anymore. I recommend getting extra veggies, if you do get this, the meat can get to be a lot.

THE DOUBLE JUNIOR BURGER: An acceptable double burger. Definitely better than the Double Big Pal, but in no way better than the Big Pal. There’s something special about a Pals Burger. Get the Big Chicken, scrape the mustard off with some of the deli chicken, and put that between the patties for the taste equivalent of season two of The Wire.

THE BAR-B-DOG: When God himself needed creative inspiration, he looked into the demented mind of Pal Barger. This is the best thing to ever be sold at Pals almost purely because it’s strange. Add fries.

A-TIER, ORDER THESE

FRENCHIE FRIES: fucckkkkkkkk i love these things jesus christ. Use these like vegetables! Put them on your burger, ask for fry salt on everything, and ascend your cholesterol. Pals is the ONLY fast food restaurant I will ever regularly get fries at. Peak. Without a shadow of a doubt.

CHEDDAR ROUNDS: Overrated but for a good reason. The Smells Like Teen Spirit of East Tennessee culinary delights. Put them on a sausage biscuit or, if you’re me, order a Big Pal and cheddar rounds after your overnight shift, trust me.

THE HOT DOG: You may be thinking, “it’s just a hot dog.” It has never once only been a hot dog, you piece of shit, you bastard. Order one of these at breakfast and put cheddar rounds and fry salt in it and look me in the eye and tell me it’s just a goddamned hot dog. Watch your tongue.

S-TIER, IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL, I SAW YOU

THE BIG PAL: Oh my god. My beloved. What words can accurately describe the taste of a Big Pal? The patty is savory in a way that reminds me of a crisp vegetable, which is just accentuated by the consistently high quality veg that Pals uses. Add more onion, add fry salt, and set aside a few hours to yourself, you’ll need them. Buy two, I don’t judge.

THE CHILI BURGER: It’s the best item on the menu and I won’t pretend it isn’t. Get it like a Big Pal with all the veg (sans tomato, too watery) and add mustard and fries. You’re literally just wrong if you disagree. Ontologically. If you disagree you’re wrong and you’re going to hell and I hate you.