Coping after T21 TFMR

I lost my boy on July 3rd. He was 18w, 6 days with T21. Terminating the pregnancy was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m only 20, so the results were a tough pill to swallow already. I feel like I let him down, like I took his life away from him. It’s hard for my brain to comprehend that he wasn’t healthy. He already had a heart defect at 14w, and we never had him scanned again so I don’t know what else could have been wrong with his body. I keep having to remind myself that I chose this and he wasn’t healthy.

I didn’t expect the grief to be so hard either. He’s in a morgue right now awaiting cremation and I have to resist the urge every day to drive down and see him so I can hold him one last time. I keep asking my boyfriend to talk me out of it because I don’t think it’s healthy, but I can’t get over the fact that I was so stunned and drugged up that I don’t feel like I got to hold him right. His skin was so fragile. I wish I had held him tight and cleaned the blanket fuzz off his cheeks before we left. I asked the nurse to wait to take him to the “loss room” because I didn’t know how I would handle it, but I saw her wheeling him in there on my way out. I can’t believe I’ll never see him again.

I managed to get some time off work and I’m trying to figure out how to make it productive. I’ll always feel pain over his loss, and that’s fair; that was the choice I made when I terminated, to take his pain and make it my own. But I can’t get over the urge to hold him. I’m trying to figure out if I should get a replica or something to make me feel better, but I’m also getting nervous that my attachment to him is veering into crazy lady territory. Has anyone else gotten a replica of their baby? Did it help? What are other things I can do to grieve? I can’t stop thinking about him. Every time I close my eyes I see his face.