I keep thinking I have to hit an extreme rock bottom to want to get help

it’s not like bad things haven’t happened to me.

i had severe, untreated anxiety during my childhood. i was heavily medicated for juvenile arthritis and subsequent health issues, i was sick all of the time, i think i was bullied. i was definitely hurt by an ex who disregarded verbal consent. i am clearly an addictive personality type. i got stuck in a permatrip and the visuals have never went away. my stomach is fucked, my joints hurt like hell, i grind my teeth into nubs and my jaw barely opens, this is some semblance of a low.

I grew up with the privilege of a roof over my head, food on the table, health care, all of which I feel guilty for. I am 22 and living with my mom, mooching off her, trying to get better but fucking failing. 1 step forward, 12 steps back.

I think that if I want to quit drinking, I need a DUI first. I can’t seemingly quit on my own, but every time I try a program, I compare myself to others. I say I’m not like them, my drinking isn’t that bad. I need to have cirrhosis or spend a week in jail or lose my job.

if I want to get help for my relationship issues, I have to be traumatized horribly by an abuser.

if I want to go to inpatient for my scary thoughts and to stabilize my brain, I need to have psychosis first.

this thinking goes on and on. “ not worthy “ of help : not worthy of getting better.

especially reflecting on how I am the problem, then I especially do not feel like I deserve the resources.