Disappointed that my childhood assaulter is still alive

When I was a child, about 6 years old, I was studying in 1st grade at this absolutely awful All Girls school in Bangalore that loved and endorsed bullying and child abuse.

Suppression is such an interesting thing, in the sense that you can experience something so awful and traumatising and just lock it away until later. Last year I suddenly unlocked this memory of being molested by my 50 year old female teacher in first grade. And this was just one in a long list of atrocities she committed against me and quite possibly other children (why assume I'm the only one?) including beating us up for little things such as not finishing lunch, playing outside for too long during play time or being slow with home work. And she loved it. She enjoyed it. She felt like a queen, wielding all of that power of fear over a bunch of scared TODDLERS.

By the time the sexual molestation happened, I was already used to getting smacked around, the one "maternal" figure within the school I was expected to trust and depend on being a manipulative evil bitch who enabled the class bullies and encouraged them to bully harder. Taught them new slapping methods even. One afternoon, during lunch a couple of 3rd grader seniors came in, those who had her as a teacher in first grade and loved her (only bullies loved her, and these were bullies too) that day she made me stay in class and finish my lunch in front of her.

While talking to these kids, she was venting about how disobedient and reluctant to eat we kids were and to make an example, she called me up to the table in front of those kids and show my empty box. There were crumbs in the box and with an evil smile, she made fun of me for not finishing those crumbs, said I was a bad girl and made me strip down to my underwear in front of those kids. Said "this is what the bottoms of little liars who don't finish their lunch look like", pulled down my underwear in front of those kids, fondled me in front of them while they laughed and said "next time you don't finish your box, I'll do this in front of the entire class".

Now this was incredibly traumatising of course. But I was a toddler... Thinking I was the problem and just nodded, thinking I was the one who deserved such a "punishment" (truth was she hated I was smart and talented) and added it to the long list of things I "deserved" getting from her. Thanks to this bitch for the longest time I thought I was a chronic liar. It's so funny how such casual sexual assault was so easy for these women in almost maternal roles, to powerless and clueless children. Goodness knows how many other kids she's done this to, she didn't even think it was wrong. And the bullies she raised didn't know better either.

Telling parents was out of the question, getting beaten up and "punished" in school was considered all part of "discipline" for children back in the late 90s/early 2000s so we would have just been treated like we came home complaining and "making excuses" to get out of completing our work and homework. Besides my mother had PPD and wasn't in the state to notice anything wrong herself.

The only redeeming part to this whole, awful story is that one day I came home crying, with a red and swollen arm hidden under my sweater and that made my mother FINALLY notice something was wrong. The reason I came home crying though, is because that Christian bitch had had hit my arm super hard, for packing bag during Prayer time before the end of the day. I did tell my mother this when she pried it out of me, naturally she flew into a rage and stormed the school and raised hell. Accused the principal of trying to indoctrinate us non Christian kids into Christianity by doing things like this and how dare I be abused for such a stupid thing. Especially when I was already being pulled up for losing my things?

Before all of this had happened, 50 year old Christian Pedo bitch grabbed my face with her red painted talons, and dug them into my cheeks and said "you won't tell your mother right? I always do what's best for you, because I care about you even though you're such a little liar about everything. You shouldn't tell your mother, because she deserves better than to hear complaining from ungrateful little liars". That's why I had tried to hide the arm under my sweater.

So anyway we got her sacked. Not that it mattered other than the fact that, that single incident alone caused the school to issue an institution wide ban on hitting kids for discipline. And they allowed her to come back after just 3 years anyway. Except now she wasn't allowed to hit kids, she wasn't allowed to abuse them or talk out of turn either so she sat there with zero interest in teaching because she was no longer a Ruler with power over scared dominions.

I saw her once, when I went to pick up my junior from her class. Of course she remembered me and made the same angry face I'd always remembered that used to send a chill through my spine and refused to address or even talk to me when I politely told her I'm there to pick up her student. I could only remember the physical abuse at that time. Then last year when discussing sexual assault, and I knew what sexual assault looked like it suddenly clicked the memory unlocked and I rememberer that stripping incident too. Checked in with an old batch mate who was still connected to some old teachers, about that teacher who told me she though she was announced as having died of cancer recently. Felt relieved.

Today I chanced upon a Facebook post from my old school. And saw who liked it. To my dismay she's still alive. At least that means she's alive enough to face torture and retribution for her crimes yet. How it will happen, I don't know but I know it will because I have cursed her with all my heart, soul and the pain of my broken little child self that she should suffer and she will. And such curses always come true.

Anyway, I'm very sorry for the extremely long post, but I told it the way I did because just like me... I'm dead certain there are other women like me, sexually assaulted by other women with no idea if we should call it that or, consider it that or not. But that's what it is. Predators come in all shapes and sizes and we as survivors of such hineous acts deserve to be able accept and live with our truths and get the help we need for it.