The courts failed me as a child and it still affects me.

My mom and biological father split up before I was born. He was an angry, abusive alcoholic and my mom didn't want him around. Her last straw was him coming home angry and throwing my older brother (1 at the time) across the room. He had countless jail visits, probation violations, etc.

When I was 5, the judge ordered supervised visits. I would sit on my grandpa’s lap the entire time completely avoiding my father. I was really uncomfortable around him because he was a stranger. I was like why do I have to go see this random man once a week?

Then, at age 6, the judge gave him partial custody which was every weekend, Fri-Sun. So, at just 6 years old, I was required to go stay with a man I didn't know, every weekend.

On the first Friday, he picked me up from school and it truly felt like I was being kidnapped. My mom hadn't warned me ahead of time and I legitimately didn't realize who he was because I had never made full eye contact with him at our visits. I remember him explaining that he was my dad and it was his turn. I remember crying for my teachers to help me and they assured me it was okay.

He lived in a dark, completely unfinished basement. I would sit on the basement stairs on the highest step as close to the door as I could get and just cry - from Friday afternoon till Sunday afternoon, ages 6-11. I never got to know him and he never got to know me. I swear he only wanted custody to spite my mom.

Every Friday after school, I’d come home screaming and crying, begging her not to make me go. She’d tell me it wasn’t up to her, that the judge said I had to go. The dread would start creeping in around Wednesday because I knew the weekend of crying on the step was coming. Even my teachers noticed a problem. They wrote home several times about how withdrawn I was and even suggested that I be tested for severe mental issues. I wouldn't even respond to my name.

I wrote two letters to the judge, begging for my mom to have full custody. Both were denied. I was completely hopeless.

I missed countless birthday parties, camping trips, family movie nights, sleepovers, pool days, etc. All the fun stuff happens on weekends. I missed everything my siblings got to enjoy. I recently sorted through my family's photos and realized I wasn't at anything. I'm in probably 3 photos out of hundreds.

Anyways.. do you think the courts failed me? I honestly think in cases like this it should be up to the child, at least to some extent, where they should be. I understand that some kids aren't able to make that type of decision but I showed every sign of distress.

Even now, at 27 years old, I get a horribly sick sinking feeling that starts around 3-4pm and lasts the entire evening. My body still associates that time of day with having to go to my fathers house. As soon as the shadows get longer and the light gets warmer I'm sick. Basements make me sick. Concrete floors make me sick. Muffled sounds from people above me makes me sick. Train horns make me sick (there was one nearby). My nervous system is destroyed. I'm diagnosed with POTS, anxiety, depression, ptsd, ocd which are all linked to long periods of high cortisol (stress).

It is all still with me 20 years later and it makes me sad and angry. How could I have been failed so hard?