Regret who I am.

I haven't had exactly what everyone might describe as a good life, I grew up in an abusive household moderately not too severely. My mom is a religious fanatic that would show me and my sibling live leak videos and tell us this is where we're going. My father was a sociopath and he'd beat us whenever it entertained him and disguised it as 'correcting our behavior'. My siblings were sociopath one of them loved hurting others and himself, when I tried to stop him he'd attack me and I'd have to beat him, then I got punished.

I grew up ugly and I never had a girlfriend and I am looking to die alone. I used to be Religious I thought that karma would come to me, I did alot of good things to help people, etc. I regret all of it. My sibling who's a sociopath he's more handsome and successful, my father beat me so hard I got PTSD apparently and I can't look at Numbers or letters without getting dizzy. I had a pretty good business deal a few years ago, but I ruined it because I was scared by my own family that 'I'm destined to fail'

I've done alot of meditation and accomplished alot, I don't have strong feelings anymore, I don't look at women. But there's always a sense of regret and hopelessness that comes up to me. I don't feel like living at all in the slightest. Everyday I struggle to go to work, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk anyone. I don't like myself ... I see myself inherently as a mistake.

I'm working a minimum wage job, and I currently gamble on cryptocurrency to try and make it in life. Feels like it's all I got.