Week 3, I am losing my stamina

I posted two weeks ago about my partner being in his third episode since November.

He has been up and down, back and forth.... One day he loves me and is sorry, the next day I'm his enemy.

I called his parents to my apartment last Tuesday as he was completely out of control and threatening to take his life. They told me they don't believe and to fuck off, before taking him to his apartment and leaving him there alone.

The next day he admits he needs help, but refuses to tell anyone else what is going on.

Two days later his parents drank with him and trashed talked me to him. I wake up to irrational text all through the night, that then continued through the day until I get "Why am I like this, I am bad." Text

Today he admitted to more substance abuse, beginning days before I expressed concern for his state and he agreed he was also concerned. He is admitting to noticing and believing he is hypomanic, maybe manic. He told me he is feeling things similar to his biganic episode.

Tomorrow we meet with my therapist who is also a psychiatric nurse. I asked him today if my therapist proposed a medication regimen to get him stable, would he listen.

He said "I want to try the natural route first."

I feel like I'm suffocating. Completely invisible. Like I don't matter. I can't speak on anything without shit hitting the fan. I have told him if he doesn't get treatment, I'm leaving. It doesn't matter.

His perspective of any argument we have had over the last three weeks is so incredibly distorted. I can't talk about how things made me feel, or what my experience was, because he goes into a rage, inflating my behaviors and words.

I don't trust him at all right now.

I miss him.

I'm tired of going through this.

I'm so angry and hurt by his family.

I feel so abandoned by him.

And all the while, I'm the only one who is making sure he stays safe and gets help.

I hate it.

I hate how much I feel I don't matter. Like the impact doesn't matter. My needs don't matter. My experience doesn't matter. Me being at capacity and needing others to step in, doesn't matter.

How much witnessing him like this hurts, doesn't matter.

How terrifying it is, doesn't matter.

"I want to try the natural way."

What does that even mean?

"Letting it go away on it's own."

Jesus fucking Christ.