AITAH for not allowing my future sister in law use our neighborhood pool

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Traditional_Gur_6100

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for not allowing my future sister in law use our neighborhood pool

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!mentions of destruction of property and theft!<

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Original Post: July 1, 2025

So some background. My girlfriend (I’m proposing next month) and I currently an apartment in a very nice neighborhood. We are fortunate enough to also have access to the club house pool which we frequently go to to cool off after we’ve been working all day. A bit on my girlfriend’s sister. She is a little wild and is known for excessive public drinking and causing scenes wherever she goes. Anyway to the story. Last Monday my girlfriend got home from work and said that her sister wanted to go to the pool while she was at work (her sister doesn’t really work. Only 1-2 days a week and still lives at home) their conversation looked like this

GF: how are you going to get into the pool without a car to get there and without our keycard?

Gf Sister: I will just Uber and I can look around our parents house for that spare key you gave them

GF: I think they lost it but you can try

Now it was a short conversation but a few things.

1: Her sister is a known clepto who steals and pawns stuff in order to go to bars. It’s happened multiple times at her parents house where she has stolen things to make money

2: she does not have a car because she has crashed 5 and cannot have a license for another few years

3: She has only been in our apartment when either my GF is there or we both are for reason number one and has invited random people over while we were there without us knowing.

For the reasons above I expressed to my GF that I don’t think we should allow her into our apartment alone, without one of us present. As well as we could get in trouble with the HOA or Complex if she were to get into it with anyone or anything which could cause issues for us down the road. Along with this I also said we need to have a conversation with her parents to let them know to either find the key and give it back to us. Or hide it in a spot her sister would never look. My GF kinda shrugged it off and said that it’s not a big deal she can go to the pool it’s not like anything would happen and we wouldn’t get in trouble if anything were to happen. I feel like if I keep pushing it may cause issues between me and my future sister in law, but selfishly I don’t want her around our stuff but can’t help feeling like an asshole.

Am I in the wrong?

Edit: I feel I gotta say this because I did paint her in a bad light unintentionally. My GF is nothing like her sister and that’s why I love her. She is hard working, smart, and genuinely a one of a kind person. As for her family (excluding her sister) they are all Hard working genuine people so not sure exactly what happened in the 3 year age difference between the two. For the most part we are on the same page about her sister. They have had a rocky relationship with her and she wants to believe shes changing for the better. But I think it’s getting harder and harder from my GF to think that. She cut all contact with her at the beginning of the year which was a whole thing but now she’s wanting to be the bigger person and try and fix what she can

AITAH has no consemsus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Dude this sounds like a nightmare. NTA, set boundaries. If the GF can't support and respect them, as well as understand the financial liability her sister causes, DO NOT PROPOSE. Explain where you are coming from, explain this is a hard boundary, and if she cannot respect it and you, that you need to think about the future.

OOP: Let me preface, my GF is usually on my side when it comes to her sister. They’ve had their own issues. It’s just this one small thing that we don’t see eye to eye with. We are still talking through it all. And overall I think we both think the same regarding this it’s just different to my GF because that’s her big sister who’s her family (family is very important to her as a side note)

Commenter 1: Family or not, (Big sister who acts like a child or not) Liability is Liability. You and the GF are on the lease not the sister. If the sister does something, who is legally and financially responsible? Who will the management company hold responsible (Some rando or the people they have a contract with)?

OOP: Good point. I texted her and we’re going to sit down and talk about it tonight. I will update you all on what happens. Hopefully I won’t have to return the ring lol

Commenter 2: Are you sure you want to marry into this family? This is some serious baggage.

OOP: Her sister is literally the outlier. My GF and her parents are all Hard working “normal” people so it is strange when I think about it. But I have almost popped the question before but didn’t because of family. But i actually get along with her parents and extended family very well. It’s just her sister which I’m not sure what to think of

Commenter 3: As someone who worked in property management for both apartments and an HOA. I hated when families would show up to use the facilities without the qctual resident. And than get butt hurt when asked to leave.

If a resident gave their keys to a non-resident and were not present when using the facilities, it would mean they would lose their privileges. Had 1 warning. 2nd was never again. My boss trespassed a teenage boy and his friends for coming without parents. Rules are rules. She is your guest. You are taking responsibility for her. You are responsible for what she does. You could lose your privileges. And I bet if you read your lease/ HOA rules, it will have something stated in there about the use of facilities. Which may cause you to be evicted.

OOP: This is great insight into it thank you

Commenter 4: OP, you can ask your management to reissue you new key cards due to losing one. Ask them to deactivate the old ones. I had to do this with an old key fob I lost for my community’s pool.

Also, being the bigger person doesn’t mean giving in. She was already no contact. Being the bigger person is giving her another chance with the expectation that boundaries are established and respected.. That second part is important for rebuilding trust.

OOP: The issue with the first part is that a new key card is something crazy like $250 which won’t kill me but just seems outrageous. My GF is about to get home from work. So we’re about to talk but I will make an update post tomorrow letting you all know how it goes. Kinda nervous but also excited in a weird way. I just think depending on how this conversation goes tells me what I’ll be doing next month

 

Update: July 2, 2025 (next day)

First off, I just want to say thank you for everyone’s advice. Especially those who have been in a similar situation.

So last night my Gf got home from work and we had a conversation about the whole ordeal. I started it off with how many of you suggested and I brought up a copy of our lease agreement as well as HOA/club house rules. In both it clearly states that “Any guests who use the facilities provided must be accompanied by the owners of the lease. Failure to do this may lead to immediate eviction, or financial liability”. After pointing this out my GF said she understood that part, and she has been thinking about how she acted during this whole thing as well. She went on to explain that for once she just wanted to treat her sister as her big sister and not a kid that constantly needed watching. Well I guess after giving her examples of ways this could backfire on us, the sister’s already thin trust with us, she agreed with me and we decided it would be best to do the following.

1. Try and find the spare key from her parents house and retrieve it. (My GF is going today to do this)

2. Contact our landlords and have our locks changed. (This works out because our front door locks are starting to stick)

3. Set clear boundaries with the Sister. This includes, not being here unless one of us is present, no invitation to random people to come over, if that is done she has to leave, and if anything is not followed then contact will be cut. My GF already sent her a text message about this and I told her I can be the bad guy if she would like me to. Her mom actually called me today and said that what I did was a very adult way to go about it all and she appreciates me also standing up for my GF to her Sister.

The biggest thing that I also think helped was putting this in future perspective with my GF. I laid out a scenario of when we (hopefully) have a house one day and kids as well. Would we let someone who has a known alcohol problem, as well as issues with stealing and safety watch our children alone? She started to cry and said no. I explained to her that’s why we need hard boundaries now so that they are not crossed in the future when we have bigger responsibilities.

I have a few other things to say so may make an edit but again thank you to everyone for their advice. You really put it in perspective for us.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, I think you're doing the right thing by setting clear boundaries early on... but I can see how it might feel overwhelming to handle such a sensitive situation with family dynamics involved, what if there's a way to involve a neutral third party to mediate without making things more complicated?

OOP: If it gets to that point to where I need a neutral 3rd party I will consider it. As of now, it seems like what I did has worked? But who knows I might be posting again next month this lol. Thankfully even her parents our silently on my side as well. That will maybe count for something

Downvoted Commenter: Maybe my family is different, but you don’t need to ask to come over it’s auto. This is my house and my families house they can walk in and do whatever they want with whoever they want. But clearly we come from 2 different cultures so if your girl is ok with it then by all means but my man know my family is showing whenever they want with whoever they want 🤷🏽‍♀️

OOP: It may be a cultural difference. Which is okay! I just don’t think it’s very appropriate to have a family member bring a random over without informing you first. But I guess I could be the weird one. That also goes for my side of the family as well

Commenter 2: You handled it super well, laying out the rules and talking it through calmly was the right move. Just stick to your plan if her sister tries to push it again, ‘cause keeping those boundaries firm will save a lot of future drama.

OOP: That’s the name of the game now. Just keeping the boundaries in place and followed

Commenter 3: Just here to say, I’m proud of you! You did the right thing and thank you for supporting your Girlfriend.

OOP: I feel like that’s part of why I’m here ya know. She has a hard time standing up for herself and I’ve seen big improvements by her in this. Anytime something happens to her we always talk it out and maybe different ways to handle it

 

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