I am tired

I genuinely feel like my head is going to explode. I feel so overwhelmed by all these thoughts and emotions to a point where I’ve literally gone numb but my head is still too loud. I am hurting so much and there is literally no way out. I have planned how I’m going to end it all, the date, the method, the venue. I have run every scenario in my head and I have known what will work and what won’t work. I have attempted to kms before but it didn’t work because I was drunk and I ended up calling my best friend at the time and he managed to save me before it was too late. I got help for a few months before the blame was shifted from me have a mental illness (diagnosed) to me being a drug addict (I don’t do drugs, I only occasionally drink in social occasions) so now I can’t express my feelings because my mom switches it up every time saying that I’m on drugs, every time I try to express my feelings. To a point where I can’t even answer simple questions or engage in normal conversation because of the fear that I’m going to be told that I’m rude or that only a person on drugs can say such things. I have been so depressed since I was 14 years old,I’m now 21, and it only gets worse. I am literally stuck in an emotionally and physically abusive household because she has managed to turn everyone against me. I feel like my brain chemistry has been compromised and I have no way of fixing it. I just want to end it all but I am so scared it won’t work but I also don’t want to continue living like this because every day is harder than the last. I’m just so angry and in pain and I am tired of bottling everything up.