Resentment ?

For background context: I lived alone for 3yrs before I met my boyfriend. We have been together for almost two years now. I was evicted last April, and I was very angry with him for a long time. Because I lost almost everything, including my 2 cats. We lived with a friend of his for over a year, we just finally moved about two months ago.

I had our son in May, and I struggled with prenatal depression extremely hard, on top of how depressed I was because I couldn’t work where we lived, I never left the house, and I felt as though my entire life was spiraled out of control. I had such bad resentment for him for almost a year because I felt like we were standing in mud, not able to move. Once I hit about 30ish weeks pregnant that feeling went away.

I’m currently having a lot of postpartum health complications. I’m in a wheelchair, unable to really do much right now. So he works 8-14hr days (it’s one of those “stay til the job is done” type jobs) and then comes home, helps with the baby, cooks (not every night, but frequently), cleans when I ask (I’m a control freak, if I’m asking for help it’s because I genuinely cannot do it). And because of these health issues; my depression has gotten worse. I still have some okay days, but a lot of the time I’m stuck in a loop thinking about whether or not im going to get better. Us moving was supposed to be a fresh start, and now I feel like I’m stuck in the mud again, but now it feels like I’m sinking.

I had a particularly bad day the other day; I was irritable with our son and everything. The entire world felt like it was screaming inside my head, along with that “you’re not doing enough, you’re too much to want now” voice that lingers only if you grew up with abusive parents and were extremely depressed. So I cried for hours. Made my migraine even worse. I felt like I was emotionally unaliving myself. I don’t know how else to describe it. Fast forward to me calming down a bit. He brings me back the baby because I tell hi I’m okay now. He leaves to go get gas, and while he’s gone I text him and apologize for how mentally all over the place I’ve been, and I apologize for not being able to be the partner I want to be right now. When he gets home, he comes and sits on the bed and asks me “what’s going on with you? You’ve been like this for months, even at (friend we were staying with’s name)’s.. and I thought you were getting better.” And then goes on to say about how badly he’s struggling. Which I know. He is BP1 and has been depressed lately too, to the point he was telling me he was starting to feel suicidal, in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time. And then tells me he’s almost starting to resent me because I’m so in my head that I’m extremely negative basically all the time. “When we moved, I thought we took a step in the right direction.. but as soon as we moved in it was “well we need to do this, and this before we can do this”.” I didn’t know how to respond. I apologized again while sobbing because I feel genuinely so awful that it’s so hard right now and there’s nothing I can do about it.

All I’ve thought about for the last couple of days is him resenting me. But part of me feels like now he’s stuck with me, because now we have a baby, I need so much help, and also unaware how long it’ll be until I get better. If at all. I’m anxious he doesn’t want me anymore. And he says that’s not the case, he’s just overwhelmed. I asked if he needed space, and he said he wasn’t sure. He was in a good mood before he left for work this morning, but I didn’t get hardly any sleep last night because our son is going through 8wk sleep regression. I was falling asleep just feeding him. So when my boyfriend got home, I took a nap. He knew I had hardly slept at all. He woke me up right before 9 and told me he needed to go to sleep for work (he gets up between 2:30 and 3 for work) and I apologized. He said “it’s fine”, and didn’t look at me. Laid the baby down and went to lay down in his oldest son’s bedroom. No “good night”, hug, kiss, or an “I love you”. I’m really not sure if I’m just being overly anxious (lol TRAUMA) or if I’m genuinely just holding him back. We love eachother so much, I don’t doubt that he still does. But sometimes love isn’t enough, and I’m worried that it’s not enough for him anymore.