i’m 22 and unhappy with my life

I’ve had depression since i was 12. It got better when I was 19. I was happy, I tried to be. I was hopeful and excited, moving into a new country. I met tons of new people, explored, went to uni

Now I’m 22 and life is miserable. I don’t even think I’d call myself depressed in a traditional sense because I know what it’s like and this feels different. Nothing in my life makes me happy, I don’t like myself and who I’ve become, I started to realise that this place feels like a hellhole full of hateful people. I have a part time job at a cafe that drains my soul everytime I’m there but it’s not like I could just quit, I need the money. I just got kicked from my old uni for not being able to pay the fees on time and I’m still in the process of applying for a new one.

Now I’ve had active suicidal thoughts before, but right now I don’t want to do it, more like I absolutely would not care if I died at this second, sometimes I wish I would.

This life does not feel like it’s worth living and I’m drowning. I don’t know what to do. I really have nothing right now that keeps me going.