I lost my spark+ I wanna vent a little

hi reddit,here to vent or rant a little and im gonna start quite strong NSFW warning for sexual abuse,abuse, ED,self harm.

Background context for my ex that takes an important role here:So a few years ago, I'd say 2-3 years ago ,I was with an ex bf who made me feel like shit all the time. He had a porn addiction and it was so terrible I hate myself for tolerating him as he cheated 3 times but I just wanted to be loved. We were on and off bc he would always get mad at me and usually manipulated me and when I tried to leave he would beg and threaten to take his life or self harm and he was way to old to be acting like this,but being naive I tried my best to help and not leave so he wouldn't act like that. He was rude and weird for following only fans models and said theyre just influencers so it doesn't matter anyways. Whenever we would see eachother everything i did he didn't like i would be hit (punched ,slapped ,or beat) sadly I let if happen. Im very protective about my virginity and I didn't wanna do things with him just yet because I wasn't ready but I did allow kissing which didn't feel great at all,but he would be very touchy when I said no. No ,nothing went inside im still a virgin but he kept touching my inner thigh while we were making out and nearly going to my crotch to finger me which I did not want i immiedately pulled back and kept saying no and he said ugh fine ur so boring. I went home and cried myself to sleep. This was a constant thing ,I kept saying no,I got hit,comparing me to other girls and even forced me to watch porn and pointed at the girls saying "that's how ur supposed to look like" I felt like shit and you can get the gist he was an asshole but I didnt realize that,we broke up a year ago bc he said he wasn't ready for a relationship (dated 3 years) ill stop right here about him because im not ready to disclose what more he did to me,its terrible and im not comfortable speaking on it. The damage was already done he left me fucked up ,during middle of the relationship I started doing drugs and self harming and worst of all started my eating disorder 2 years ago

about my ed: I felt ugly,I wasnt enough and was anorexic. I wasnt fat ,more like average but those girls he showed me and told me how im supposed to look like,made me feel like I wasn't skinny enough. I started eating little to nothing, calorie limit was 350cals and I would sleep to avoid eating. In just a month I lost 50 pounds because of anorexia,im 5'6 and was 145 so height took a role and I was healthy for my age and height,didn't look fat,usually ate healthy foods and proteins but I just completely stop eating as whole and exercised without a thing in my stomach, I lived off water so that's pretty much it.

I continued to lose weight and brought me to 90 pounds ,my parents started to notice and in the middle of the night I passed out on the floor ,idk what happened but I woke up with a scratch near my eye brow bleeding and left a scar. I did have a psychiatrist and i hated taking 4 different pills a day because ,need i say anything?just stressful and didnt even help and i was super depressed i feel like it made things worse.

I ended up getting help being admitted to a hospital because I did the wrong thing telling my psychiatrist which I was forced to admit into help. The hospital i went to made me worse the therapist sucked so bad and I gained 20 pounds and wouldn't let me go till I reached a certain weight. After leaving ,I continued not eating and if I did I would throw it up or hide it. I would cry because every night id throw up but I didnt want to but a voice in my head encouraged me to,I hate throwing up and gagging. I have a fear of throwing up but yk anything to be skinny was my mindset.

Overtime I feel like I looked better sick and skinny and everyone would compliment me and say ive gotten thinner which I was happy to hear but worsen my disorder to keep going. Everyday I woke up and being harsh on myself and over exercised to maintain being skinny. At that point my ribs and collar bone were poking up,I have ton of pictures in an album of me during this time ,I look back and start sobbing because I did lose my spark

present time : Fast forward to now since you got the point of me being disordered as hell,I was forced to get better and being watched my every move ,I wasnt allowed near scales and in doctor appointments/check ups I have to turn around since im not allowed to check my weight. I dont know my weight but I know if I lost or gained bc I measure my waist and last time I checked im 130 something or 128. I met a sweet boy in february 2024(my current boyfriend with no porn addiction thank god LOL) and ever since I gained an awful amount of weight and I hate myself for it.

Like I said ,I look back at old pictures of me from 2 years ago and I wish I looked like that now,I was skinny and beautiful. I dyed my hair with red highlights and black hair since my natural hair is black because I wanted to forget my past,my ex,my self harm,my ed,everything. I was so suicidal I wanted to kill myself and I still do. Im so happy with my boyfriend but so unhappy that I feel I let my self go . I compare the features I dont have anymore and im disappointed that im now bulimic because im forced to eat by everyone im surrounded with or they'll stop talking to me,on some days ill fast. My longest fast was 2-3 weeks with water,I would lie and pretend I ate like grabbing a plate and for example if I said I ate cereal for breakfast I would add a drop or two of milk and a piece of cereal so It looks like I ate it and everyone is a fool to believe me but this didn't benefit me ,I did have a nutritionist but she sucked. All she did was state the obvious charging us 100$ each visit.

I cant take pictures of me anymore and if I do makeup I still find myself ugly,I hate how I look now and from back then when I had pills ,I saved a bottle just in case I wanted to kill myself anytime soon. I still over exercise and before going into vacation it "ruined" my relationship, quotations bc my boyfriend was bothered by it saying i chose that over him which I hate to say its true,unintentionally, but its situated now. All ive been doing this month as im on vacation rn is sleeping,sleeping and sleeping,then more sleeping ,teeny bit of crying. Genuinely hate it all. I dont even believe my own bf when he compliments me or anybody else,shit sucks. Ill never feel beautiful again ,last year and the year before were my prime and now ,I just suck. I cry everyday and thinking about the pills I have to just end it all,I dont even feel gorgeous with makeup anymore nor natural like I used to.

I lost my spark and I miss how I looked like 2 years ago ,skinny and beautiful