i knew this day would come eventually, but i feel so blindsided. some of you may have seen the post i made last night about us getting bad news at the vet and struggling to know when the right time to say goodbye was. well she took a real downturn today and we learned the real reason why. we took the x-rays to a friend that owns a vet clinic and everyone who looked at them noticed that our vet missed a spinal tumor that has probably been leaking, and that’s what’s been filling her chest and lungs with fluid. no life saving measures that were on the table before would do anything now. i knew i didn’t want to put her through procedures that would only prolong her suffering, but now im certain that i made the right call. 

not even 36 hours ago i was planning on moving her and i into our own place in a month and today i signed the consent forms for her euthanasia. i keep switching back and forth so hard between total acceptance and grief and complete denial. we brought her home when i was 4 years old, and she immediately latched onto me as a tiny, scared kitten. although she was technically the family cat, anyone you ask would tell you that she’s my cat. whenever the doorbell would ring she would scurry into the downstairs to hide, but as soon as she spotted me, she would always trot over and bury her face in mine. it’s been that way for 17 years. 

it’s so hard to come to terms with the fact that after tonight, i’ll never fall asleep to her purring again. i can never bury my face in her soft, warm belly after a long day, or feel her paws on my head waking me up to give her breakfast. instead i’ll be met with a cold, quiet silence. the left side of my bed will be empty after holding her presence for as long as i can remember. the spot on my counter that held her food and treats will be empty, and her cat tree removed from the corner of the living room. i truly can’t believe that it’s time, after believing things were fine such a short time ago. 

i don’t know what i’m going to do without her, she’s always been my reason for persevering through the worst stretches of my life. from not ending it all when i was younger due to debilitating mental illness, to coming home at night instead of staying out drinking and partying. my reason has always been her. now i’m afraid that i won’t have a reason. like i said im moving out soon and the only thing that gave me the confidence to be on my own was that i’d have her. but now i’ll have myself and an empty room, and god knows that’s going to put me in a hole that i won’t know how to crawl out of. she’s truly my everything, and losing her will be the biggest loss i have ever experienced. i’m not ready, but i know that she is. 

just like all the other times, i have to put her over me. i’ve done it before, so i can do it again. this will just be the final time. she has about 15 hours left. i don’t even know what to do with myself. if you made it to the end then i’m forever grateful to you, and if you didn’t, i don’t blame you, i kinda made this longer than i thought i would, but i needed to get this out somewhere.

hug your kitties extra tight tonight for aspen, and i love you all. 

tonight is aspen’s (17) last night