I think I have a drinking problem

Had another blackout this weekend and it’s made me seriously look at my drinking patterns lately. If I’m honest with myself, I think I’ve struggled with my drinking habits for the past several years. Started out as binge drinking. I could just never stop the way other people seemed to. It seemed that I would blackout more often than not when going out with friends. I’ve ended up in so many sketchy situations now that I think about it that could have ended so much worse if I didn’t have good people looking out for me.

I’d drown in shame and embarrassment the next day and tell myself I would never drink again. Then the weekend would roll around, those feelings would fade day by day, and I’d be right back to it. It didn’t help that the friend group I was in at the time normalized it so much. I’d take breaks on and off throughout the years, but as soon as I started again it usually culminated in a blackout and meltdown. I told myself that I wasn’t drinking every day, only on weekends, and I didn’t necessarily black out every time so it simply couldn’t be a drinking problem.

The longest time I was “sober” was when I switched to weed. But soon enough I realized I just used either substance as a crutch. If I was off weed, I was drinking. If I took a break from alcohol, I was smoking. I never actually quit anything. Just swapped one for another.

2025 is probably the worst it’s been. I feel like I hardly ever spend a full day sober. I started buying alcohol to keep in my room and drinking every night before bed. I feel antsy in the evening because I can’t wait for that first drink. I feel so ashamed sneaking out to buy bottles and then throw them away. I’d hear all my friends talk about how they hate drinking alone and sit there silently thinking about how it’s my preference. No one can judge me if I’m drinking alone. It feels peaceful. It’s not a social thing anymore. It’s not for fun. I don’t even like the taste. I just like that it changes the way I think for a couple hours. I like that it shuts down my brain. Even the blackouts are more frequent. The guilt and shame and disgust from those mess me up for at least the next week. My mental state is a wreck afterwards.

It’s difficult to admit I have a problem because I am functional enough that no one can tell anything is wrong. I work, I exercise, just graduated college, hang out with friends. It’s so easy to find excuses because I tell myself it can’t be an issue if I only drink in the evenings after all my responsibilities are completed. It can’t be an issue if no one points it out. It can’t be an issue because I don’t wake up hungover every time.

No one in my life has ever called me out on it. Friends who I have tried to talk to about it have reassured me that everyone goes overboard occasionally and that it’s nothing to worry about. No one really knows the full extent of my drinking. I’m scared to call myself an alcoholic because I think I’m being too dramatic. I’ve seen so many people talk about how drinking daily doesn’t make you an alcoholic. Makes me think that maybe I’m exaggerating my issues. I don’t know if I’m living in denial or overthinking it.

I don’t know guys, thanks for reading my rambling. Wrote this mainly to distract myself from how badly I want a drink right now.