Lack of Sexual Chemistry or Lack of Desire as a Result of Vaginismus?

Hi everyone! This is my first time posting in this group, but I have no one to talk to about my vaginismus and I feel lost. This is going to be long and kind of a brain dump, so please bear with me! I have had vaginismus for my entire adult life and I’m struggling with being able to differentiate between if im not sexually attracted to someone or if it’s just from having trauma and vaginismus. Below is some more context.

I (29F) grew up in a religious household where sex was talked about negatively. I was told that it would be painful and that stuck in my head from a young age. I could never use tampons because of the pain and two of my first sexual experiences were non-consensual (and non-penetrative). Due to both of these things, sex has always been associated with anxiety, fear and trauma in my mind. Since I come from a religious household, I haven’t had anyone to talk to about having vaginismus and had to figure it all out on my own. It was only about 2 years ago that I learned that pelvic floor therapy existed. Fast forward to now and I completed about a year of pelvic floor therapy, can use a tampon and can use up to the second from last dilator (yay!). I have made so much progress, but still haven’t had PIV. Admittedly I gave up using my dilators for the last year because I’m just so exhausted.

Here is where I’m struggling. With the trauma mentioned above, I have never had a “normal” sexual relationship. I have had PIV twice in college with two different people (one night stand/early talking stage type of situations). I abruptly stopped talking to each of these people right after sleeping with them, so I never formed a relationship with them where sex was a regular thing. I never got to learn what I like or don’t like, who I’m sexually attracted to and who I’m not, because it was all clouded with extreme fear. Now, I’m in a 7 year relationship and I have never had PIV with him. Despite wanting to have PIV and going through therapy, I don’t know why I don’t have any desire to try with him. We tried a lot during the beginning of our relationship (before pelvic floor therapy), but have not really made any attempts in the two-ish years since I started. I genuinely don’t know if it’s because I could not be sexually attracted to my boyfriend, or if this is all just because of the long term trauma I have with sex. I have a decently high sex drive, but always prefer to take care of it myself. I know I’m not asexual and I’m definitely attracted to men. My boyfriend has never gotten upset with me with our failed attempts, but is getting concerned that I never want to try anymore. I don’t even want to do non-PIV stuff. I’m just confused and feel like I should want to rip my partners clothes off. I think my boyfriend is cute and handsome, but I don’t want to climb him like a tree, ya know? I don’t know if I have ever wanted to climb anyone like a tree in real life (only fake scenarios like movie characters, etc. where I know it will never be real lol). It’s just all too scary in real life.

Admittedly, I can tell my boyfriend feels a little awkward when talking about my therapy and the dilators, but wants to try. Maybe his awkwardness is making me less eager to try. Who knows. I am trying to involve him more, but I’m just over it at this point.

Any advice or insight would be really appreciated!