Starting Over Again

You all told me, in words and actions that I could lean on you. That I could turn to you when things got rough. That I mattered. That the self doubt was unwarranted along with the self hatred. You reassured. You held me up. You took me in.

Yet here I am. Falling again. Not cause you weren't there. Not cause you lied. You didn't. You guys were always there. You picked me off the ground more times than you realized. Figuratively and literally. But if that's true, why am I spiraling again?

Because I can't depend on you. I can't burden you. I don't want you to walk on egg shells when dealing with me, wondering when I'll fall back in my hole. I don't want to be dragged along because you think you have to.

Even though I know I can depend on you. I can lean on you. I can turn to you. I won't. I won't put you through that. Not anymore. So while I may be back at rock bottom. At step one. At the very beginning. I have to be here alone. It may be dark, but you can't hold the flashlight. I refuse to saddle you with that responsibility.

Thank you for trying. But it's clear I have to do it alone.