My life has changed a lot for the worse..

More than 5 years ago I started dating a wonderful women who I will only Adress as N. N and I had a great friendship , it was my second year in college and less than 9 months ago I felt possibly the worse I had ever felt ever in my life up to that point because of the ending of my first relationship. Fast forward 9 months this Friend N didn’t know it but after battling with depression and almost dropping out, I was starting to feel amazing, started excercisimf and loving myself, N and I where way too close for it to keep being just a friendship and we started dating. The first couple of weeks I was not 100% percent shure but a month into dating I found myself totally into her, 2 months into it I felt the biggest love I’ve felt for anyone in my life. That love kept growing for months and years. We went through a pandemic together (together as in a relationship, but we couldn’t see each other for 9 months), she traveled around the world, left our country for the first time in her life to visit me when I was studying abroad for a semester. we lived horrible things together like getting robbed in another country and having nowhere to spend the night, we lived beautiful things, we got to see each other finish college… I could talk about her for days really… the point is in march of these year I ended the relationship, I felt like it was not going to end well because of certain things she never liked and I felt I really worked on but she never felt the same so I decided to end it before it turned into something bad. I do not regret my decision in the sense that I feel it was the right thing to do, but I do regret in the sense that today, 3 months after breaking up I feel terrible. I can’t get a job since I graduated and I can’t believe I am supposed to grind through this moment without the women who I once thought I would spend my life with. How am I supposed to go through this withou her? And also, how is she? (She didn’t want us to keep being friends or anything after breaking up and eve though it hurts me I want to respect her desire) at times I feel like I did her wrong, after 5 years of being together, after all that we lived, I feel like maybe she didn’t understood my decision and that hurt her, I miss her too much, everything in my life makes me thing about her. My room, my own skin, my dreams. I am a musician but I feel that no matter how much I practice my art is meaningless, it sounds fake. I can’t get a job, I feel like such a disappointment to my parents (yes I was also the “oh he’s going to be great when he grows up, he’s so talented” kid). I am 25 almost 26. Every cousin younger and older already are getting jobs and growing and here I am trying to not cry everytime I see anything that remembers me of her (which is daily) and also recently I found a diary I wrote a couple weeks before started dating with N and it nade me so sad because Damm, I was in a great place, I seem so positive and happy and smart, I felt like when you see a video of a 5yo kid who does what you do at an elite level and you only get that feeling of “oh crap, I will never be that good” but the worse thing is that that 5yo is ME?! How did I become this? When did I loose my energy? And why now that I lost her. I really don’t know what do do. Also feel like after 2-3 months of being sad my friends are starting to get fed up with me always being sad and I kind of want to start just acting like I am fine with them to not make it awkward. I don’t know men, too much stuff