AIO for thinking that my gf made me Psychologically undone or completely broken

Hi, I’m 21. My girlfriend is 29 — I know it’s a big age gap, but for some reason, I’ve always connected better with older people, not those my own age. Been together for 3 years. I’ll try to keep this short, even though it’s a lot. Our relationship has had huge ups and huge downs. But lately, I’ve been realizing that she’s been gaslighting me to the point where I completely doubt myself. I honestly don’t know what’s true anymore — which is why I’m writing this.

The biggest red flags started showing when, every time I pointed out something clearly wrong she did, it turned into a cycle of blame-shifting. She used to make me feel like I was crazy or paranoid, so I started collecting evidence before confronting her. When I did, her go-to response was always: "Who gave you the right to check my phone?" It would immediately turn into a huge fight where I was the villain — all before she finally admitted to what she did. And even then, she'd usually try something like: "It’s not what you think." "You’re an idiot."

Lately, even in fights where I’m 100% sure of what happened, she rewrites it. She tells me things didn’t happen the way I remember, and that I just "block my mind" and don’t listen to her. She’s now claiming I’m the one who’s gaslighting and manipulative.

Here are just a few examples:

1. Physical abuse when drunk She gets completely wasted and starts hitting me. For a long time, I didn’t react — mostly out of morality and being scared I’d hurt her. But it reached a point where I had to push her away or pin her down to calm her. Her excuse was always: "You provoked me." She never acknowledges how drunk she was.

She needs 2–3 beers just to get through her morning, and drinks 10–12 in total most days — not counting the extra ones she hides.

2. Multiple attempts to cheat Once I found out she was in a hotel with another guy. Her excuse? "We only kissed — I had my period." Another time, I found a lingerie photo on her phone while she was supposedly just visiting a "friend" in another city. She called me crying, saying: "He’s hitting on me and I want to come back." A third time, I caught her planning to meet a guy at a hotel. She admitted it, but only because she didn’t go through with it. I know reading this, it sounds awful. And now that I’ve written it out, I’m sitting here with a sick feeling in my stomach and a heavy weakness in my chest. I don’t know what to do. Tried to break up two years ago, but her alcoholism got so bad I needed to literally save her from completely destroying her life, so I came back to her to her life back on track to some level, after that I always saw a fault in me after everything she did which made me stay

What triggered all of this was a small fight today. She blamed me for her giving up on something that was a dead end — something I know I encouraged her to keep trying for. I know that for a fact.

I’m not perfect. I know I enabled parts of this. But I’m extremely empathetic and trusting. I didn’t want this. I don’t know how I let myself get to this point.

I honestly feel like I’m losing myself.