This some BULLSHIT istg I just want to make up my mind.

Like yeah, I'm TECHNICALLY ace... or aro... or both, I don't really know what's going on in the first place, much less well enough to label the fleeting thoughts. I do feel attraction to people, but very rarely, and it's usually really volatile. If she isn't perfect, attraction almost entirely flies out the window in record time. Even if someone WAS perfect, I'm sure my brain would find a way to disagree. I do not deserve any of what I'm looking for.

But see, the problem is that it gave me hope. Every time I meet someone I kinda like, I get all the feelings a normal straight person would. But then she changes her hairstyle or something and ooh, not attracted any more. Even if she changes it back, nah. It's fucked now. Not happening any more. The chemical factory burned down and it'll take another million years to rebuild.

And I can't even get used to it, either. I can't just remember each time that I get attracted to just shut it down early, no. Because this only happens anout once a year. JUST long enough for me to forget the last time and start believing it was a fluke, that I was just imagining things. That this time, THIS TIME, my body has finally learned it's FUCKING PLACE.

And then it happens again. Just as I'm starting to get comfortable with the fact I probably never will truly like anyone, I meet someone new and for the next week and a half, I'm obsessed. I sleep thinking about her, I stay as close as I possibly can, I think about every conversation we have and her every word is captivating... I've never even been in a relationship, but this time feels like it's the one!

And then she dips below the unattainable standard that I have no right to hope for, that she didn't even know she was maintaining... and the cycle resets. I'm back to the limbo between straight and asexual, where neither side is quite right.