depressive episode

i first started showing symptoms of depression after my father passed away when i was 12, in 8th grade. I didn’t go to school for three months and everything seemed so difficult, some days i couldn’t even get out of bed and honestly i don’t really remember much from that time in my life. 4 years later I still suffer from depression but it comes in short episodes spanning from 2-4 days. I was worried at the start of the summer that things would get bad again because i had no reason to keep up with hygiene or be productive since i wasn’t attending school or anything but everything was okay for the most part until today. Today i had a pretty decent day, and then out of nowhere i feel awful. I haven’t felt this bad since 8th grade and it’s terrible. I feel like i don’t deserve anything good and that i’m just an awful person and a waste of everyone’s time. I think this started because i had an argument with my friend and she was kinda just saying how i wasn’t a good friend and wasn’t giving back what she was giving and it made me spiral. Honestly, i really don’t cry often but i just sat here and cried for two hours. I feel like my thoughts are consuming me and i can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to be this way anymore i just wish i was normal. But, at the same time i feel like yeah im depressed but it’s never enough. It only last for a few days and i feel like its just an excuse that im a shitty person even though i know deep down that im genuinely struggling, this just has been going on for so long it makes me question if im even actually depressed or just looking for an excuse. It sounds stupid i know. I know i’m depressed, i’ve been diagnosed with depression, but i still can’t help but feel like it’s all a big lie and i’m just not a good person. I also feel like ive lost interest in literally everything. I get bored so easily and find myself just zoning out often. I hope maybe when i wake up tomorrow i’ll be feeling better.