I have to make a decision tonight. I'm currently in the U.S., and my ex-girlfriend is back in Japan. Her 21st birthday—what I believe is the most meaningful birthday—is tomorrow morning at 10 my time. And I want to text her on her birthday

Context (you can skip to the question if you want): We met and started dating in Europe, surrounded by so much chaos in our friend group that I won’t even get into now. We were on and off for a year, and we both hurt each other a lot. I hurt her a lot more. Eventually, I broke things off. But I came back and asked her to give us another chance, even though I was the one who ended it first. I was able to win back her trust, and so she did.

That summer, we each went to different countries. We agreed to just be friends and only text occasionally, because we weren't gonna live in the same area again. but we started growing really close again. We both came to the U.S., in different states, and decided to meet up twice—once in the fall, and once in the winter. We ended up hooking up both times.

But after that, we acknowledged that long-distance just wasn’t realistic. We ended things again but agreed to stay in contact, and never meet again. (which was mainly my idea)

A few weeks later, after thinking about it nonstop, I called her and told her that I still wanted to be with her—even if it meant long-distance. She was so happy. She told me she’d give me an answer in three days, but ended up calling me back within hours to say yes.

For a moment, things felt hopeful. But during that first week, I realized how much it was draining me. I was madly in love with her, but counting the days to see her again—knowing it would be a billions of days each time—was tearing me apart. I told her I couldn’t do it.

She was devastated. She said we couldn’t even be friends anymore, she felt like I was manipulating her. She blocked me on WhatsApp—but not on Instagram for some reason. We both muted each other’s stories, probably trying to heal. That was six months ago. We haven’t spoken since. 

The Question: Should I text her just to say happy birthday?

Here’s why I want to: The guilt has been eating me alive. These past six months, despite being incredibly busy and eventful, I still think about her all the time.

Knowing how much I’ve hurt such a kind and beautiful soul, crushes me. I was just so scard and couldn’t commit because I needed to see her, I couldn't just do a couple of days every year. I was so naive and immature to keep going back to her and breaking up with her. And I despise myself for that. I haven’t been able to like anyone else since. I have everything I need right now, but I can’t feel even a shred of peace or happiness.

I just want to send her a simple: “Happy Birthday.” Nothing more.

I’ve thought about all the outcomes. Best case: she replies with a simple “thank you.” And honestly, that alone would lift this unbearable weight I’ve been carrying.

Worst case: I ruin her birthday. I make her sad again. And that’s the last thing I want. Once we were together and we got pretty drunk, she told me I was the human who has hurt her the most, even more than her dead father, she said so much, she talked about all the pain I have caused her, and how much she loved me. If I think for a second that I would hurt her again, even a little, I won’t live with myself.

I should mention that on my 21st, which was two months ago, she didn’t reach out. That makes sense. Still, it might say something about where she stands.

Why this matters so much to me: This might be the last chance I ever get to ease even a fraction of this guilt. We’re in total no-contact. We’re countries apart. I don’t think I’ll ever see her again. If I don’t reach out now—on this day—I know there will be no other time to ever talk to her. And I really don’t wanna waste my 20s draining in guilt, I am also scared that if this feeling lasts it will have a permanent effect on me.

I’ve tried everything to heal. Volunteering, therapy, working on myself, helping others, even hooking up with other girls. Nothing has helped.

I don’t want to get back with her. I don’t expect anything. I just want a moment of peace. One night to sleep in peace. But I also don’t want to be selfish and risk reopening her wounds.

Why I think this could work is because right after we broke up, I was supposed to fly to her place for valentines. But I didn’t because we broke up. So I ordered a pocket of flowers for her instead as a closure. And even though it’s stupid to make me sleep in peace that night, it felt amazing. I know for sure that she has got the package and opened it, but I didn’t hear from her.

I’m torn. I don’t know what’s right. All I know is that this decision matters more to me than almost anything else right now.

If you were in my place would you send the text? Why or why not? I need to make my decision