all i ever wanted was to be enough for you

WHOMP WHOMP.

I'm starting to realize how annoying I must have been at the end. How insufferable I must have been. How impossible I was to deal with. HOW SCARED YOU REALLY MUST HAVE BEEN.

My once-every-six-months check ins must have wrecked your progress.

My kindness and compassion must have felt like venom. My concern was probably just a trap.

Right?

I made your skin crawl, didn't I?

So why not say THAT?
WHY HIDE YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP FROM ME?

Why bother replying in ways which referenced the past things you had said?

YOU said it wasn't over. YOU said you loved me and would never stop, even if you stopped talking to me.

YOU wanted me to cling on tightly. You got off on being desired. You felt big, powerful, in control.

You hated me though.

You hated the though of loving anyone other than yourself, despite screaming that you didn't even love yourself, your parents even, so how could I have ever be any different?

I wish instead of crumbs, you said what you really felt.

I wish instead of feeding delusions and keeping me on the back burner, coming back and recycling me over and over, YOU ACTUALLY TOLD ME YOU HATED ME.

it's no one's fault by my own. Obviously. But, I loved you SO much. And you lied about loving me, just so you could do what? Hurt me until you got bored?

I don't even know. I hate this. I hate how my brain works.

Somedays I'm amazing, great, perfect even. Some days you never cross my mind. Then I drink.

Rarely. But when I do... there you are.

Your memory. Your words. Your vices.

I fixate on things I could have done better, differently maybe. I shouldn't, but I do.

I just wish I knew if you ever fought your own brain? Are you better now that you are sober? are you even sober? Will you ever apologize to me for hurting me? R*ping me? Bruising me? Using me? Degrading me? Devaluing me?

I shouldn't care. It doesnt matter anyways.

Why do I care? Why does it hurt to be hurt by someone I loved?

Why are you just like my dad?