I thought the n word was funny

About 5 years ago over Covid when I was at a grown age of 20 years old I thought the n word was funny and used it in a few Jackbox games to be edgy with my family. This lasted about a month and we played every weekend so I think I used the word a few times in the game each weekend. What's very strange to me, is that my whole life I had been anti-racist and very left, and yet still decided to use such a word for 'humor's sake'. I knew using the word in a hateful way was wrong, but I had thought idubbz specifically was right in his stance at the time that 'oh words lose power if you use them comedically' like what 😭 My family is trying to tell me that I hurt no one because I've never bullied anyone or used that word in public and I feel like I'm going crazy. It's still wrong no matter how much I've changed I feel I'll always be racist and awful for finding something like that funny. I grew up with a deep shame from being raised Christian which I am thankfully not anymore, and my shame has gotten to the point where I feel I am not allowed to do anything. I enjoy writing, but I feel I shouldn't anymore. Reading or eating good food or enjoying nature feels wrong. My wish for punishment I think is rooted in my 'be punished and God will forgive you' education I received as a child. I know white guilt doesn't do anything and action is valued over guilt and white woman tears but as much as I logic my way through I just cannot work these feelings through. Sorry for the post being so long but I feel like what I did is this gross part of me that I need to get out and face head on.