Why do I want to get better but I still didn’t repent.

So for a while I am struggling with accepting Jesus even tho I really want to. Every time I commit a sin I feel bad like I could have easily avoided it, it’s like I’m feeling that the Holy Spirit is convicting me of my sins but no matter what happens I just can’t accept him. Another example is when I wanted to go to an online church(the churches in my country don’t speak my language) I took a nap before it and I vividly remember making an alarm before service but it didn’t go off so I got really mad because I wanted to hear the pastors sermon but missed it. In conclusion, is it signs that I am getting closer to Him or is it that I accepted him in my heart but my mind dosent want to believe it.