depression? manipulation?

ever since I was 11 I've been 🔪 myself, never deep because 1) I was too scared, but recently I went deep and ever since I've been wanting to go deeper but I just can't because I don't wanna be a burden to my family and cause arguments which happened last time I went deep.

And im in the process of getting dx with depression and anxiety, but I just feel like there's something more to it. I'm a very manipulative person, I've learnt that 🔪 myself means people are more likely to do as I say because they care about me (which i never believe) and it means I lose friends easily. I had an argument with a friend group some time ago, and I threatened to 🔪 my wrists open (it wasn't even severe, just a misunderstanding on my side) and I dont know why I feel so much? And then God forbid someone even mentions leaving me, I've cut people's names and initials into me if it meant they'd stay because I couldn't deal with the pain of losing them, and I genuinely go through the 5 stages of grief each time I go through heartbreak and it makes me spiral and makes me wanna die.

I'm such a sensitive person too, I care about literally everyone, I cry over shows, I cry when I see homeless people, and I dont know why I'm so sensitive.

I had a bit of a rough upcoming from age 8-13, before that I barely even remember,but I know I was abused for simply needing the toilet or being hungry. is this why I'm so clingy to people, or why I'm excessive?

And I always think people are lying to me or talking shit abt me. If I'm in a relationship with someone, they HAVE to be in call, unmuted with me so I know they're not talking bad abt me, even if they're out n about, which is difficult as I tend to attract emotionally unavailable people.

I also feel like im always being watched, I have a phobia of there being hidden cameras and it makes me panic sometimes.

And sometimes a little switch just goes off in my head and I flip completely on someone, I go from loving them to despising them, but also still being incredibly attached to them yet wanting them gone, and thinking the only way out is by me dying. I'll send 1000s of messages, calls, of just plain abuse and named out of fear and I know what I'm doing but I just can't control it..

WHY? And will it EVER stop? WILL I ever be NORMAL??