Feeling emotionally exhausted in my relationship. AIO or is he emotionally unavailable?

I (35F, USA) have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (39, France) for about a year. I’m currently visiting him for three months, and while I care about him a lot, I’ve been feeling emotionally drained and unsure whether I’m asking too much or if he’s just not capable of real emotional intimacy.

He shows love through actions. He does things for me and tries to take care of me. But when it comes to emotional depth, it often feels like I’m left on my own. Every time I try to talk about something that’s bothering me, he deflects. Instead of addressing the issue, he’ll say things like “I’m a failure” or “I ruin everything,” which completely derails the conversation and makes it about himself instead of solving the actual problem. I’ve called him out on this, and in a moment of big frustration, told him to stop playing the victim, but I still don’t feel like we get anywhere. Sometimes he’ll say “What can I do? I love you.”, which is effort, still feels a bit like the emotional burden is on me.

I’ve started to feel like I have to keep everything light and surface level to avoid setting him off. I’m not perfect, but I feel like I’m carrying all the emotional weight for both of us. When I once told him that, he got defensive and said “you think I’m not carrying anything?” But honestly I wouldn’t know because he never tells me how he’s feeling.

There’s also a situation with a female friend of his that makes me uncomfortable. She’s an old friend with benefits. He swears there’s nothing between them anymore, but it’s been hard to fully believe that when I’ve been so excluded from that part of his life. When I first got to France, he was talking about her and to her via text constantly. So much so that I had to ask him to please stop bringing her up.

For example, I gave him a sweatshirt from one of his favorite bands as a gift when I first got to France, and the first thing he did was take a selfie in it and send it to her because “they have the same taste in music.” That stung.

Even now, I still haven’t met her. When I told him I felt like I might be in the way of their friendship, he reassured me that she knows he’s with me this summer and that they’ll probably start hanging out again after I leave. He said I haven’t met her because she’s from a different friend group than the one I’ve spent time with. But it still feels weird. We’ve hung out with other friends of his, so I don’t understand why she’s off limits. It’s left me feeling like he’s hiding something there.

I want this relationship to work, but I’m beginning to wonder if I’m forcing something that’s never going to feel emotionally safe for me. I don’t want to constantly be the one initiating difficult conversations and carrying the emotional load, but I’m also not ready to give up.

Lately I’ve been thinking about whether I should just call it off altogether, or at least stop spending so much time with him while I’m here. Would that be an over reaction? I don’t know if I’m overreacting, being too sensitive, or just finally reaching my limit.

Thanks for reading. I’d really appreciate any honest insight or feedback.