I've been lying to my friends about my age for 3 years

I've been lying to my friends about my age for a long time now. It started when i was 17. I joined an XXX server bc i was hypers-xual and severely socially isolated. I was a minor for about 5 months when i was talking to them. We've now been friends for about 2 years. I'm 19 now. There's some weird context to how this happened.

i had zero friends irl, and i was super isolated. I wanted to post my porn art on Twitter, so i lied and said i was 18+. I made friends with these ppl on twt.

i had MULTIPLE 20-something year old friends encouraging me to do this

i was severely disassociated from reality, so the weight of my lie didn't hit for a very long time. It's only just now REALLY getting to me, bc I'm more aware finally

They're my best friends. I'm scared to lose them. And i know telling them would hurt them, and i don't wanna do that. Also, i can't afford to lose my job bc I'm depressed/anxious if i tell them. If i lose my job, my whole family will be fucked. We're in a REALLY really shitty place financially.

Basically..... I'm being selfish. But also i don't wanna hurt them. Also i don't want my family to suffer bc i got sad from losing my friends. But I'm thinking about it more and more and more. I'm thinking of just ghosting them. But that would hurt .... It'd hurt me, and it'd hurt them. And they know i struggle with s_icidal tendencies, they'd probably think i offed myself.

I know I'll lose them. But some weird hopeful part of me thinks that maybe they'll be hurt, but understand, and stay friends with me anyway. Or at least stay in contact with me. But i know that'd unrealistic. I'll miss them so much. And i worried that the fallout WILL make me ..... Off myself. Which. Idk. I don't know. It's so fucking hard, i know I'm being a horrible person, i know I'm being selfish, i know all of that. I just .... I don't know what I'll do without them. My mental health is already so shitty, and I dont have the money for new meds or therapy.

I'm a shit person. I'd get rid of myself if i wasn't the only one keeping my family afloat. And i don't have anyone to talk to about this. I feel like throwing up every time i think about it.

I don't want my family to suffer, and i don't want to lose them. But i also don't want to keep lying to my friends. I'm probably gonna start distancing myself. See if that helps. Maybe they'll eventually forget about me. Or maybe I'll man up and tell them. I know i should. I know i have to. I'm just so fucking terrified.