My mom doesn't let me shower as often as i'd like.

I (17f) live with my mom (54) in a small apartment. I'm an only child so she focuses all of her attention to me growing up since she's a housewife.

My mom is strict, probably like 75% strict. She used to physically abuse me when i was a kid making just a small mistake, as a way of disciplining. So i used to be very, VERY scared of (and i still is), it made me forget most of my childhood memories, i only remembers where she made me chew papers because i rip some out from my notebook at school because she didn't want that.

When i went to middleschool, she stopped that but resort to emotionally abusing me, saying alot of hurtful stuff and calling me stupid and dumb. It was painful, it made me depressed and anxiety and wanted to end it, i've had so many thoughts about it but i was scared and just didn't want to do it. I still feel depressed somtimes, but i think it's much better than before.

My mom doesn't shower everyday, she would shower whenever she felt like it, a week, or every 5 days. I thought that maybe as she got older, she felt lazy, since she used to shower every other day. But back then, i did the same because i thought it was normal since she did that.

I didn't even know alot about hygiene, nor did i ever paid attention to it. I just used to wash my face with a random soap then put an unknown cream on it for me acne.as to shower, i would shower every 4 days, and would only change my clothes every one month, even bras, i know, it was shameful but i genuinely didn't realize that because my mom did that.

But when i was 14 years old and i somehow told a friend about it, she called me nasty and made some disgusted expression, which made me feel shocked, hurt, and confused, because i thought it was how everybody else. I only had my mom growing up, my dad died, i don't have siblings, i don't have an aunt or uncle, nor cousins or distant relatives, and not even grandparents. I don't have friends too, only few that started to distance.

So i started looking through internet and youtube about shower and hygienic stuff, and i began to learn that what i've been doing was wrong. I was in denial and embarrassed, and i was also hesitant to change my ways, mostly because i'm scared of my mom. But i want to be normal and clean.

So i slowly changed, i started changing clothes everytime i shower, but my mom complains that it makes her tired doing laundry constantly, and even if i tried washing them myself, she would yell and call me incapable of doing anything. She wanted things done her way and in a certain way, and i'd panic at the yelling and just can't continue. So i relucantly change my pants every week and my t-shirt/bra everytime i shower, which she agreed.

I also started doing half bath everyday, where i wash my body only since my hair isn't the type to get washed everyday, but she complains again because i take too long to shower and it's a waste of water, and threatens she'll kick me out and men will take advantage of me. I knew she was insane, but i don't think there's something i can do about this situation. So i cut the half-bath everyday and started full shower every 3 days, which her complains lessened.

I take 50+ minutes showering, no matter what i do, it's just can't be lessened but doesn't reach an hour or so. We also use buckets of water instead of an actual shower, i grew up doing this so i'm not used to using showers.

So yeah, it was a little change and i'm ashamed of myself. I can't tell this to anyone because i don't have one and i'm scared of anyone who knows me judges me for it. And i don't have the option to move out.