Suicidal ideation but too scared to actually do it.

This is a throwaway account because too many people I know in real life know my other account. I’ve always had severe ups and downs, I’m in a relationship with a guy that I really love, and I have a couple of good friendships and somewhat loving parents. Yet, and I don’t know why, but I can’t shake the feeling that everything will always get terrible and whenever I get that feeling I just want to die.

I’ve attempted twice, and before I began writing this post I was contemplating a third time before deciding against it because I’m scared to hurt myself. I’m too afraid to die but it feels like my life will end that way somehow. Sometimes I just want to die from an outside cause, without my hands needing to do any of the dirty work.

I want life to get better but it feels hopeless!! It’s like my own brain is holding me back from any progress or any ability to not contemplate suicide every other week. My life could be going so great and then everything will feel terrible. I just feel so stuck.