Struggling

Hi, going to keep it short because I can’t be arsed over explaining every life changing event that’s happened in my life.

I’m having a really hard time, I’ve always struggled with friends (haven’t we all) but I’ve had the type of trouble of being attacked, exposed publicly you know the usual drama-esc people. My most recent favourite person (best friend of 4 years) attacked me last year, she tried to smash a bottle over my head September time and ripped over 40% of my hair out November time. Both times involved drugs. She was on them the sep attack. We both was on the them nov attack. September attack was totally unprovoked. I walked into the outdoor shed and was met with an apple sourz bottle around my temple (She was off her head and convinced the voices were telling her I wanted her boyfriend). I stupidly forgave her. November attack I don’t really remember much from the night, I had just broken up with a fling and took drugs (stupidly) to blank out the feeling. don’t remember much from the night but it resulted in my mum picking me up from her house at 9am in the morning. I was missing nearly half of my hair. Scratches every where. I think my brain has blocked the event out. She played the victim, blocked me out of my life, never apologised, probably telling people bull shit to justify the shit that she did to me. Any way to the point.

I started smoking weed again (was 4 years sober) I’m not fat anymore I guess that a bonus I’m more happy with my appearance but I’m so incredibly sad. 8 months I’ve been smoking now and all I do is smoke eat sleep I’m too unstable to work I’m too unstable to have friends. I don’t know how to get out of this rut. I’ve been through the same situation before probably about 3 times now with 3 separate friends. In fact nearly every friend I have had has hurt me in some way and made me look like the perpetrator when infact I was just a kind person who they walked all over.

Am I meant to be learning some lesson here? I’m at a loss, I’m so lonely, have no friends, have my parents but that’s it really. I don’t know how to help myself. Every answer just points to suicide but it’s just selfish to my family. I’m 23. Waiting for dbt therapy but it’s 4 months for assessment to see if I can get on the course again. But I’m not sure therapy can help the underlying cause. I don’t know I’m just an empty shell. Not living just surviving or on auto pilot I’m just miserable.