I want to reach out again just to remind myself that there's no hope

I've (22 F) been no contact for 4 years. 2 of them due to an order of protection. I never had any family. Sometimes I just want my mom. I know it'll never be anything positive but I just miss having a parent. I want to hear from her. I want her to hurt my feelings again. I want to get my hopes up just to have them crushed again. Is that weird? Is that just me?