Being disabled sucks

Just turned 26 a few days ago. Feels like life is moving fast AF. All of my childhood was spent masking/surviving. I have ADHD and Cerebral Palsy, but still trying to get a damn Autism diagnosis. I hate self diagnosing but I'll give it a pass for Autism. All in all feels like my childhood was robbed from me. I left my first ever real world job at a corporate restaurant chain back in June. Non of my experience with previous jobs, interacting with people in school, or in the general public gave me the experiences that my corporate job did. Along with finally getting properly medicated I was able to unmask for the first time in my life at 24. Leaving the job after 2 years i realized the working world and general society just seem like it wasnt made for many disabled people.

I was always told I was just lazy, sensitive, unmotivated, close minded, and negative. Many on both sides of family who took care of me well but we're always so judgemental of anything I did. No matter how hard I tried it was never enough. I tried to follow along and blend in but I would always end up slipping. And the moment I did, it was like I committed the worse sin imaginable.

I admit Ive been more of a loner most of my life and in my room a lot, researching of playing video games. One benefit I gained besides basic knowledge on random things was wisdom and deep thinking. Never wanted be like that but I could never get my body to move. Could never find anything interesting enough to move forward. Couldn't really vibe with most people in society. I hated doing things "just because".

It's not just being lazy or depressed. Existing is exhausting, and expensive. I'm the oldest son out of all my brothers and sisters, and it always felt like the world is my shoulders. I've always been held to higher standards, almost to the same standards of non disabled people. I have to manage myself while managing the thoughts and feelings of others just to survive. I'm starting to feel the wear and tear on my body alot more physically now. I'm not able to mask as well as I used to. Now my healthcare may be underseige. I'm tired, lost, scared, and stuck.