Stuck and confused

Think I’m just looking to vent, or some support/advice if anyone is willing ❤️

In the fall, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4+ years. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anybody. He was in complete denial about some issues going on in his life (addiction— which is something we had worked through before), and was becoming more and more emotionally abusive. The break up was terrible and of course there was no closure. We tried to have a civil conversation a few months later, but he took no accountability, and basically just watched me cry. I had no more words left once I realized he was still living in la la land. No contact since then.

Another few months later, and I am still finding myself stuck and unable to stop thinking about him and the whole situation. I know how much he put me through throughout our relationship, and I know how miserable I was, especially in the last few months of it. But at the same time I can not stop missing him and thinking about the good times. I can’t stop wishing and thinking about if things could have somehow gone differently.

I know it is common for people to only remember the good after a break up, but how do I get through this? I feel like I am constantly bouncing back and forth in my head between feelings of love and longing, and feelings of pain, and remembering how stuck, anxious, and afraid I was at times in the end. And it scares me that the feelings of love and longing outweigh the bad stuff these days.

If anyone has any words of wisdom to share, or has been through anything similar, I would be so grateful to hear your thoughts.