Screw you, I’m going to start working on moving on.

My (24M) girlfriend (26F) and I got into a fight last month. There is no infidelity in this story.

We agreed to stay friends but then out of nowhere she said she wants to go no contact and blocked me everywhere. The last thing she said was, “I love you”. I was blindsided and it genuinely destroyed me. For basically the past 3 weeks, I’ve tried every possible way you can imagine of reaching out to her, short of going to see her in person. She ignored every one of my attempts. It hurt me immensely.

We were extremely serious, or so I thought. We had been together for over 2 years and had spoken about marriage, the future, moving in, kids, the whole 9 yards. Shit we even had names ready for the kids. This was the first person I ever saw a future with. She told me that was also the case for her and that she’d never considered marrying anyone before.

Anyway, after she left, all I did was drink and smoke. I wouldn’t eat for days as I went on benders. I just wanted to numb the terrible feelings. I was drinking and smoking till I passed out, and then doing the same as soon as I would wake up. Then when I couldn’t drink anymore, I’d throw up and drink more. All the while, I was trying to reach out to her, simply to talk. I just couldn’t understand how someone who supposedly “loves” you can see you in so much pain and continue to ignore you.

I’m not saying I was perfect to begin with, but the worst parts of me magnified during the relationship. I was always in a state of constant anxiety because of our relationship. She is an avoidant person who struggles with communication and hasn’t seen any healthy relationships around her. She would lie about the most insignificant things to “avoid confrontation” but that ultimately made me lose trust in her. We even tried therapy together but she lied about working on her lying 🤦🏽‍♂️. I know that she’s a super kind and sweet person deep down but she just needs to overcome the traumas she’s faced growing up. And that’s going to be hard. That’s why I guess I stayed this long and maybe why I’m ready to wait even more.

Eventually, I think I’m just going through withdrawals from this person, and moreover, my heart and mind are at odds with each other.

My heart thinks we are soulmates and that there’s still a way for us back to each other when we’ve both ACTUALLY worked on ourselves. I shit you not we had some insanely good times together. It’s like the good times a family has at the beginning of a movie right before the beautiful wife dies 😭. It feels like it was the right person wrong time.

On the other hand my brain says that I shouldn’t be with this person because she lacks the foundational traits of a healthy relationship, like communication and trust. We even went to a professional for help with this, but if she just won’t do the work to make the necessary change, how will she ever change, and consequently, how will our relationship get better ? Also, ngl ever since we got into a relationship, my life has taken a turn for the absolute worst 😂. Lesson after lesson after lesson 😭. It just wouldn’t stop 😂. Ironically, right after she’s gone, things are looking up again.

Anywho, the only reason I want to talk to her is because I want to understand where her mind is at. I caught her in a silly lie again and things escalated from there. I admit things got really bad, but not talking for three weeks and just disappearing out of nowhere ? You don’t do that to someone you truly love and care for.

And then I have questions that keep haunting my mind. Why was she always so ready to breakup or leave ? Why was she so avoidant of planning important things in the future ? Did she know there wasn’t going to be one ? Was she really serious about wanting to get married? My ability to trust even a single soul has been eviscerated. I honestly just want to know that I’m not crazy and I didn’t imagine the last two years of being so madly in love with each other.

At this point, I still don’t mind being friends because even though we may not have been right together in this phase of our life, I still shared some amazing times with this person. Some really important times too. Things I won’t ever forget. We both were there during the most profound, life changing years of each other’s lives.

Anyway, I start a new phase of my life with a new job next week. Everything is looking up, all I have to do is work a little hard. I need to be disciplined and be consistent. And most of all, I need to move on from this.

Okay, this is getting too long. So the reason I made this post is because today, I decide that no matter what, I’m going to start moving on. If she doesn’t want me to be in her life, that’s on her. It sucks and it hurts but it is the reality. I’m going to post here everyday to vent and almost journal. I’m going to show you how it does get better after a while but you’re gonna have to put in the work. Let’s see how it goes. You’ll be see a lot more of me :)