Failed AGAIN, wasted my youth, and now suicidal 30F

30 Female, South Korean, tried for PhD position in EU/NA for 3 years in a row and failed yet again.

I have a undergraduate and masters degree in science, but with really bad grades, and while I know this can't be an excuse, but I have debilitating depression I've been suffering since late teens.

I moved to Italy 2 years ago, because it was the only place where they offered me a research assistant. Although I tried for PhD position for that lab first year, I failed. (This PI even promised me a position). This was bit of a shock, but I moved to a neighbor lab, starting fresh, and this time I really grinded myself. I worked on weekends, delivered everything I could. Although it was very new field for me, this time for PhD admission, I managed to get to the interview round, just to get notified today that I got rejected. (For those who don't know the admission process, it usually opens only once a year, so you have to wait up an entire year to apply again.)

No one in our institution failed like this twice in a row, and I feel like a total fucking loser. It would be fine if I was 25. I am fucking 30 and it's unbearable to accept the fact that I failed with all that experience and effort, miserably.

I wasted away two years of my life, for what? I have no money thanks to academia, failed in two labs in a row, with added emotional distress on top of depression. Now I have to pack up and leave Italy because I don't see my future here. Nobody wants me here.

Oh, also, I am failing at love life, got dumped by ex last year (he said I was too sad and sensitive) and this year got rejected from a man I thought who was interested in me. It's a shitshow. It almost feels like my life is a cruel joke people love to watch for entertainment.

I am suicidal tonight, and I know people say, hey it isn't too late to start again. It's easy to say that when you start in different field maybe? However, when you have to compete with a bunch of young 20- somethings in academia and you fail, while at the same time your peers are getting postdoc or heck even professorships - it hits differently.

Not sure if I want to wake up tomorrow. I feel like after moving a fucking continent and trying hard as I could, nothing paid off. Why try even?