My therapist is concerned.

I've been with my therapist for about 5 years now and when i started it was mostly about in that moment therapy meaning i was having a hard time with life in that moment. So recently my dad got diagnosed with cancer, he has now passed, which lead the sessions to my issues surrounding my brothers death when i was 15. to make a long story short she did the classic, well what did that feel like? move and genuinely i don't have any feelings. The periods following my brothers death are emotionally black for me. outside of my increased fear i'd walk into my house and find someone dead on the floor. A lot of that lingers still but not as paralyzing as it was as a teenager. (i'm now 33). I remember my high school years obviously but almost nothing of what i was actually feeling during or after my brothers death. I feel the same now that my dad died. nothing. now, if i THINK about it and let the thought of the fact i'll never see or speak to him again yeah i get sad and a bit mad and all of that grief but she finds it highly concerning that i can shut that off so easily. along with how i intellectualized the entire experience bc my dad was not easy in the 6 months he had been sick. i mean yeah i was mad he didn't come to terms with it but that's who he is. i'm annoyed that i was my mothers therapist through the whole thing but that's who she is. it was disappointing that I felt like i had to hold everyone together and do the most work when it wasn't my responsibility and i was more a care giver than a daughter during that, but i KNEW that's how this would be. you know? so it's not a shock. i'm not shocked he died, i'm not shocked there was no closure, no love shown, nothing. This went just about as well (or horrible) as i thought it would so i don't know if i have emotions about the whole thing bc as my life goes, no one has proven me wrong in the way they deal with things. I can also "intellectualize" that yeah me shutting my emotions off or predicting how people will act and not being upset or shocked when they are exactly that is a trauma response but i almost feel like i don't have the luxury in this family to think or feel or be anything else but this person. It feels like a trap i'm stuck in. bc other wise i'd have to cut off everyone and i'm not in a position to do that right now. i'm just not. i'm a single mom, got divorced 2 months before my dad got diagnosed, dealt with that for the last 6 months, now i have to some how rebuild my life from the ground up. I cant afford or survive without contact no matter how shitty it is. My mom always needed me to be her emotional dumpster and punching bag and now i need her to not be living on the streets. i was a SAHM in a financially abusive relationship and i'm left with next to nothing but a mountain of debt i have no way to pay off and still a full time SAHM with no child care. I just feel like this whole "there's choices" doesn't get to apply to me right now. i don't have the privilege. soo. i get shes concerned about this but this is just how it is and idk a way i can get out of this right now. It's just a bit frustrating i've been living in this state and can't find my way out. so i get her being concerned but what choice do i actually have but to survive right now? none.