Rant idk

I feel like I struggle with feeling anything for others. I do have hope that I feel some kind of care but it’s muted, barely there. Maybe its because of the fact that im always stuck in my head, always analyzing, thinking about how others perceive me, trying to figure out how i should monitor every single action and word that comes out of my mouth, i cant control it i cant stop it, it has become practically obsessive. just one small wrong action could be enough to make me feel so deeply ashamed once again, and make me feel exposed to others, like the identity i have been hiding under. And when it does crumble i feel like my whole life is over in the moment. I cant stand talking to people if its not about myself in order to get validation because i just wish someone saw me. Yet i will try to be there for everyone in my life, but deep down my emotions are so muted, in a way i just wanna get out of there whenever they start talking to me, i just try my best to act and mirror them. i dont know if i would still try talking to others If it wasnt for the validation i always want and also because sometimes i feel obligated.

I do feel bad for people, but I feel sometimes they dont get that if they wont leave me alone, i will probably have to leave them because i hate when others depend on me and expect me to be friends. I convinced myself that i wanted friends before, but i have sabotaged every kind of relationship for me. I don’t care enough about keeping people, i view most as disposable because i dont get attached or connected to others. as i said ill still go out of my way for people, break my own boundaries, do nice things no one has asked me of. Because maybe then they will like me and think that i do love them, all ive wanted was for people to think im this person, which clearly im not . But there’s kind of nothing there for me inside when it comes to them. Only guilt because i realize how badly i treat people and need to leave immediately. you know everything i say to others is probably a lie, im not a very honest person at all. But i will lie so much because being myself (which constitutes of absolutely nothing, there is nothing about me, im whatever they want me to be, or what kind of identity i made up in my mind which is always very unstable) and not showing up for others means falling off everyone’s radar and it means admitting the fact that nobody really cares about who i am, admitting the fact im no one special, when all i ever wanted was for people to just see me, and i want people to feel bad for me