Relationships and trauma

For context: I am 23F and my bf is 21M.

Since I was young, I’ve carried the wound of not feeling chosen—by family, friends, or anyone I really wanted to see me. In high school, I had strong feelings for someone who never truly reciprocated, which left me with a deep belief that I was always the one who cared more. That theme followed me into adulthood. From January to April 2024, I was emotionally involved with a guy from Texas. I chased him, flew to see him, and used marijuana during the whole experience to numb the feelings that something wasn’t right. I slept with him, but it felt confusing and disconnected. Then in May 2024, I was sexually assaulted by another man I visited. In June, I started talking to my now-boyfriend, and we met in July. He was kind, sweet, and attentive—but I was still emotionally unsteady. We dated from July to August, then I broke up with him. In October, I slept with a friend in California—looking back, I know that was about control, trying to reclaim some emotional power after the trauma. From October to January, my now-boyfriend and I were off and on again. And then in January 2025, I moved in with him. Since then, we’ve been together and he’s continued to show up with love, stability, and care. He brings me flowers, makes food, holds my hand, and genuinely wants a future with me. But instead of feeling peace, I’m constantly anxious, questioning if this is real or right, and struggling to let love in. I want to run, even though he feels like home. Even when we first met, it wasn’t fireworks—it was something deeper: safety. But that safety feels unfamiliar and terrifying to my nervous system. My body doesn’t know how to receive steady love without fear. I keep wondering if I’m broken, or if this relationship is, or if I’m just not capable of being loved. What do I do next? I value this relationship and love my boyfriend deeply and care about him. I don’t want to lose it but also don’t want to be a burden with my issues.