Completely lost

Okay, so this is my first post here. I don’t know where else to throw all this, since I don’t seem to get any help in my home country. I’ve come to realize lately, that alcohol is a big problem for me. I’d like to believe that the bigger problem is my mental health, depression, anxiety, all that, you know. And alcohol just happens to be the easiest medication available. I know that it just makes me feel worse and it doesn’t help one bit on my recovery from my mental problems. Where I live, you have to ”stop drinking” in order to get to therapy. I get that, it’s hard for them to fix something that keeps breaking itself. But by the same logic, I guess I’d just have to cheer up and not be depressed to fix my drinking problem. I don’t know where to start. I always thought I could stop drinking whenever I want, but I’ve realized I can’t. I get extremely anxious and depressed when I try to be sober. I’d love to be the person when I’m sober, that I am when I’m drinking; happy, confident and full of dreams. When the hangover kicks in, all that is gone and I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t drink for another day to achieve that feeling. It’s a vicious circle and I can’t find my way out. My depression tells me that I’m too long gone, and there’s no reason whatsoever, to not be drinking because there’s no light at the end of the tunnel for me. I don’t know if there was a question hidden somewhere in the middle of this post, or if I just wanted to let it all out. I’ve been reading this channel for a couple of days and I thought this might be a proper place to clear my thoughts. All the best for all the people who have recovered and stay strong, I know you will. Even more the best for everyone who shares the same boat with me looking for some dry land (quite literally).