There's something that happened in my teens that I still can't get over. I feel like I was finally able to have a healthy sex life again, but this issue still hurts me. I'm 22 now. When I was 15 to 18, I was in a relationship with an adult man who raped me in the ass while I was sleeping several times, choked me, hurt me, etc., and manipulated me to make me feel guilty if I resisted or said anything.

Even though I sometimes phisicly fighted, most of the times my response was to stay still and fall asleep or pass out. And when I talk about it, the same thing happens to me: the words don't come out of my mouth, I stay still, and I feel very physically tired. The same thing happened to me for a long time when I tried to have sex, but it doesn't happen anymore.

Until yesterday, I met a friend I used to have sex with in the past, but now we're just friends. I have a boyfriend, so I didn't want to do anything else with him. We went to a park, and he asked me to come to my apartment to use the bathroom. We were going to play a board game, and it was already nighttime. I was lying down, and he lay down next to me and started hugging me and touching my legs and abdomen, and then he started touching my vulva over my pants. I took his hand away but didn't say anything. I stayed still, and he insisted, so I took his hand away again. He tried to kiss me, and I moved my face away. But I couldn't even verbalize "stop." Instead, I just stayed still, speechless, feeling exhausted. Afterward, he asked me, "Why don't you tell me to stop?". I feel guilty.

Besides the guilt, that feeling of being paralyzed and speechless brought back memories, and now I feel bad.