Had a Weak Moment. Broke NC and regret it.

Recently broke NC. My kids are growing up (ages 2,2&5) and I had this delusion that maybe my NDad was getting dementia or Alzheimer’s and that he would be open to meeting his grandkids (wishful thinking)! Maybe he forgot! Maybe I’m in the wrong! Maybe I should try and repair so I don’t feel guilty when he dies! (Spoiler alert: my therapist told me that I will probably feel a lot of feelings when he dies, one of the most common ones being guilt, and there’s nothing I can actually do to prevent or control feelings when they arise). I have a really great therapist.

My son looks like him, and that’s been tugging at my heart. Welp, I went soft. I started asking him questions about his life and asked if he had any about mine. He responded with the grudge he’s been holding for 3.5 years - requesting that I explain why I went NC and the reasoning behind it.

He knows. He just wants me to be in a position where he can demand something from me. He wants fuel for the fire. He wants to pick apart everything I say. This showed me 1) he hasn’t changed. He wants to make me feel bad. He wants to continue to make himself the victim.

I wrote a succinct response with some brief examples of his behavior, reminded him I have choice and so does he. And his choices are what led me to go no contact. In all honesty I don’t care how he responds because I know he will DARVO etc. I also know he doesn’t have the capacity to understand empathy or love and I write very well so it will be hard for him to understand. I was very proud of it and I said it because I wanted to say it. Not because I think I’m going to change him.

But now I’m feeling panicky. Like I did something wrong. Even though I know I didn’t. I met with my therapist today and she was very supportive and affirming. Just hate that I still feel like a panicky, scared little kid when I stick up to him. This is probably the first time - in my entire life - where I have said something with my whole chest. And I still feel like that scared stressed little kid. That’s all. I guess I was empowered today but with empowerment comes fear.