Feeling like a failure

My baby is 8 months, we have 3 dogs. Which I really can’t stand. Still having pet aversion. I’ve been trying my best at trying to keep the house tidy. I’m 100% sure I found a German roach in the kitchen, found one Tuesday morning and now this morning.

We have an exterminator already because we were having issues with American roaches. We have the quarterly plan . So he coming out tomorrow to take a look at everything.

I just feel like no matter how much I try to clean up. It’s not clean enough.

I’m also upset that my husband and our friend/roommate doesn’t know how to keep stuff clean. I also don’t know if our roommates girlfriend knows how to keep stuff clean either or if she’s and/or him is the reason why we have the roaches. She comes over/ stay sometimes but not all the time . I’m also upset with my husband because I feel like I made a big compromise about keeping the dogs if he was going to take care of them such as bathing and shaving, and I even said every two weeks as a schedule. But no, it’s always something like he’s really tired or it’s his day off so he just wants to relax.

I just feel so dirty being here and feel that I’m failing my baby. And there’s only so much that I can do because he’ll cry for me when I’m cleaning and I’ll let him cry, but there’s a certain point to where he’s tears are coming down and I can’t help but wanting to be with him so that’s what I do. I can’t just clean when he sleeps because he’s a contact sleeper. Same thing with the night time.

My husband works from 3 am to 3 pm. So I try to let him rest/sleep. He has severe depression and I’ve learned to just deal with things on my own, but I’m just so frustrated because I feel like we’re failing our child. He says the house isn’t that dirty, but to me it is and everything it’s so cluttered I try to throw things away and then new things keep getting bought. if it’s not my husband it’s my roommate

And I know my house really isn’t that bad but to me I just feel like it can be better. It’s not a hoarder situation but there’s just so much unnecessary stuff and tools everywhere and when I do clean something, it gets messed up by an adult.

Don’t get me wrong my husband cooks after he works, which I really do appreciate but it makes me mad is that he doesn’t clean up after himself. What I do is clean up the counters with Lysol wipe, and I at least rinse off the dishes for any residue that’s on there in case I can’t get to the dishes because of the baby. I know I don’t cook a lot but when I do, I clean as I cook, I clean as I go.

I promise myself to make sure that my boy grows up to be clean ; to clean after himself and do not expect a woman to be his maid. I also promise future self to be there for my son’s future partner and to help around the house or whenever I can even if it’s after work so that his partner won’t have to worry about it. I promise myself that I will get after my son if I see that he’s not doing his part as a partner and cleaning up and keeping things clean/ not taking care of his partner.

Thanks to whoever reads this I really just needed to vent without any judgment and even if I get judgment at least it’s from strangers