I'm not capable of validating my experiences as 'bad enough' to be upset about

TW: csa, sa, si/sh

Apologies if this comes across as emotional, I'm really upset as I'm writing this. I feel so stuck in the fact that I'm not able to see my trauma as 'that bad' and I'm constantly comparing myself to people who have had it worse. It's gotten to the point where I intentionally punish myself by watching shows like SVU that showcase stories of abuse survivors just so I can tell myself I'm a fucking crybaby who has no business being upset. I tell myself -"oh you were hurt? You fucking moron, look at this helpless child who was starved and beaten and pimped out by their mom, and you think you have it bad?"

I was sexually abused as a child, raped multiple times as I got older and every relationship I've been in has been sexually or physically abusive in some way. I have long-term issues like IC and hemorrhoids from the abuse that I choose to ignore on a daily basis because I can't face reality. My mother is (according to every therapist I've been to) highly narcissistic and the criticism and berating I got from her my entire life led me to completely despise myself. I really believe that I am disgusting, ugly, unlikeable, and horrible. I hate myself so much that I constantly wish I was dead or could be killed.

My family is extremely well off financially, I grew up a millionaire, materialistically I had everything and I still have more than most of the world could ever dream of. All I ever wanted was love and protection but I never got it. Genuinely if I could trade all my money for a mother, or anyone who truly loved me and even hugged me from time to time I would do it. I constantly tell myself how things aren't that bad. My childhood SA wasn't bad because it was older kids and teenagers, not adults. My parents didn't abuse me because they didn't sell me for drugs. My rapes weren't bad because the men didn't beat me to get me to comply, they just overpowered me. My relationships weren't that bad because I didn't leave, at a certain point they didn't have to hit me anymore, I just gave in and became a submissive partner to let them use me however they wanted. My life feels surreal. No matter what was happening to me, I had to pretend like everything is fine and brush it under the rug to keep up appearances for my family and their social circle. Nobody looking at me or talking to me would be able to tell that I've attempted suicide multiple times and I'm actively in an eating disorder and self harm. I tell myself that it must all be fake and I'm just a manipulative liar. My house and car are completely paid off, I'm financially stable, yes I'm alone, but what the fuck do I really have to complain about??

*Everything is my fault* and I'm incapable of seeing it any differently. I've been trying for months to change my perspective, it's preventing me from doing meaningful work with my therapist, I want to hurt or kill myself constantly because I feel so guilty for pretending like anything I've been through is even remotely traumatizing. I'm just a huge faker that deserves to be punished for my emotions. I grew up having my parents tell me that I need to get over what happened to me because other people have it much worse and I'm just a pathetic loser who is choosing to be miserable. I know it's their voice in my head but the feelings I have are so intense, the shame makes my body feel like I'm going to explode. I haven't even been able to say the words like rape, incest, or molestation out loud in therapy because it feels like if I do, my therapist will terminate me for lying and making a big deal out of nothing. I wait to cry until after I leave my sessions because I can't face the shame of her seeing me upset, I just know she's seen so much worse than me and she will look at me with intense disgust for my entitlement. I don't know what to do, I think I should bring this up to her but I'm afraid. I wish I could feel compassion for myself, and truthfully I wish I could allow her to show me compassion, but I know I'm undeserving.