Idk why I can't be happy

Hi everyone!

Honestly, I just really want some help dealing with this. I’m not sure if this is a big deal or not, and I hope I’m explaining everything in a way that makes sense. I don’t feel comfortable talking enough talking about this enough with anyone I’m close to, so I’m going to write this here, and hopefully, you guys can give me some sort of insight.

For a while now, I’ve been struggling a lot with positive emotions/feelings. Whenever something good happens to me, I feel indifferent, I don’t feel loved, and sometimes I question if I truly love anyone else. I don’t feel any misplaced hatred or resentment or anything negative towards anyone (at least not consciously?) — I like helping others and making them feel good, but it’s just when it comes to me, I don’t feel anything. I can feel anger, sadness, and disappointment, and these are feelings that I’ve been feeling more than anything recently, and I don’t know why. I can’t pursue any romantic relationships because I don’t think I can love anyone and I feel like they’re pointless. I try making friends because I do want friends, but whenever I try to socialize, I give up on the conversation quickly, because every time, no matter how good the conversations are, it feels stupid. Everything just feels so empty and meaningless right now, and I’ve tried to fix it through journaling, yoga/meditation, and I even started learning the basics of tai chi. I’ve picked up reading self-help books and just reading books in general. I’ve been getting off the internet and understanding myself better, but it’s like it’ll last for a bit, and then I’ll be right here. Everything feels so unreal and so do I. I’m not sure if I’m even describing how I feel correctly. It’s gotten to a point where I just think I’d be better off dying, not even because I’m sad, but because I’m just sick of doing stuff. I’m tired of waking up like this and I have no more joy or motivation to pursue my passions or interests. I’m so sick of feeling like this. 😭😭

Anyway, if you guys have any way to help me get out of this, I'd appreciate any advice or anything, and if not, thank you for listening to my rant. And I’m sorry if I sound stupid, I’m just really, really lost right now.