ive run out of people who care about me again =w=
sometimes i get a bit too unbearable and people just stop caring because i dont really matter that much. 
im lying right now? why am i lying lol
ugh. life really just has me in a bad spot right now.
do you ever just feel like you're on fire? like you're burning up and your own light is slowly going out, but everyone around you is just watching and smiling?

my doctors said that i have to get up and exercise because the meds im taking could cause blood clots lol :3 
so about 1.6 years later, here i am, laying in bed, and im still just fine. its kind of disappointing honestly. i was hoping something fun would happen if i just laid here for a while.

i wish i could say something like "i cant do this anymore" or "goodbye everyone" 
it seems so appealing to just be free of it all, right? 
but its not even that i cant do this anymore- i just have to. i dont have a choice but to suffer. i guess i was put on this earth just to feel pain...? its kinda funny i guess. 

what am i meant to do now? after all this time I've waited for someone to notice me.... i kind of think i broke myself. i dont work anymore. all i can seem to do is lay here and pray that something will change.

i stopped going to therapy because she just kept telling me to take meds that never worked (yea yea I've tried more than one therapist, kindly get off my back about that) 

i wake up and lay in bed for hours untill i can fall back to sleep. and for what? nothing...? i used to fantasize about things that could give my life meaning, but i have those things now and its all still numb. 
how many times now have i imagined taking my last breath? how many times do i tell myself im too afraid to take that last step?  how many more times will i let myself believe the idiotic lies of my subconscious =w=

forever i guess. thats how my life works. im forever meant to just live a worthless life and be alive just to breath even food doesn't taste good anymore. its just numb.

what do i even want anymore lol