I'm not sure why i do it

i just cut myself for the first time in a while, I never considered myself to struggle with sh enough to say its a 'relapse' but i wanna do it more now even tho i feel like i don't have a reason. i don't even like the pain just the way the blood looks. part of the reason is that my partner does sh and idk when i find out about it it makes me want to cut myself so bad, idk if im fucked up or what